Starbuck Jones – Page 21 – Son of Stuck Funky

Blathering Heights

Huh? Cliff was in prison? What was he convicted of, impersonating an interesting comic strip character? Comic book theft? Counterfeiting pizzas? Violating the super-strict NYC lampshade statutes? And no one knew anything about this until right now? Well, that’s just fascinating and by “fascinating” I of course mean “duh”. I can’t wait to see where this latest twist takes us and of course by that I mean “please kill me now”.

So Cindy is only finding out about Cliff’s prison past right now? There’s no documentarian like a Westviewian documentarian, like no documentarian I know as a matter of fact. Once her crack team figures out The Google thing this project is really going to take off, mark my words. And correct me if I’m mistaken here but wasn’t Vera supposed to be “long lost” when they dredged her up to appear at Starbuck-Con? So she was long lost AND ardently following Anger’s life at the same time? Hey, it’s the Batiukverse…why the hell not?

Takes One To Blow One

Link to today’s strip

“Lampshades Askew – The Cliff Anger Story”

I’m looking forward to the part where Cliff explains what he was doing for those sixty years between film gigs. Should be some compelling stuff there. She’ll no doubt have minutes of footage to sift through. It’ll be the first documentary film ever where they ADD stuff from the cutting room floor.

“Food, dope, hookers…you can get anything delivered in Manhattan but just try to find a lampshade de-skewerer that speaks f*cking English in that town, consarnit! No one knows the shame I’ve had to endure (beings weeping). Uneven shadows, difficulty reading properly…so many wasted decades….damn that Nixon for de-regulating the lampshade de-skewering industry back in ’73!”

BanTom is really going all out to very, very slowly and painstakingly set the stage here, or as we call it, “killing as much time as humanly possible to avoid having to exert any effort at all or create a story anyone would actually want to read”. I’ve seen enough wry Mason/Cindy banter for ten lifetimes, just get to the f*cking fireworks factory already, dammit. And what the hell is the deal with this f*cking movie? What is it, “9 1/2 Weeks In Space” or something? It’s more like “9 1/2 Years”, amirite?

Cut The Cheese

Link to today’s strip.

You know how this could be funny? If it showed three or four kissing takes, each one of them interrupted by Cindy, despite repeated promises that she would behave next time. The director would get madder and madder, and Mason would have to calm him down, “Give her another chance, Mr. Popsicle!” Admittedly, not a laff-riot, but amusing, and driven by the character, instead of the necessity of “running out the clock.”

I guess I’m really saying that this could have been funny, in the hands of a different cartoonist. As it is, it’s about as boring as this thing gets. We get it–Cindy is a neurotic mass of fears, jealousies and insecurities. She also lacks any sort of self-awareness and is incapable of restraint. None of this makes her funny. Now, she’d be perfect in a certain type of comedy (the Three Stooges comes to mind), or as the kind of woman that a guy has to escape from, but each time she keeps turning up (Carrie Fisher in “The Blues Brothers,” e.g.).

Her character also keeps this from being poignant. Cindy is well aware that Mason’s career depends on getting roles, and he’s the perfect type for “romantic lead.” Which would mean a lot of kissing, and perhaps some bedroom scenes. Cindy ought to recognize that a) it’s good if he keeps getting work, and b) it’s all make-believe.

That second part is really crucial; it’s something she should keep in the forefront of her thoughts all the time. Which wouldn’t be a problem if she had some other way to fill her time. Doesn’t she have a job? Shouldn’t she be putting her energies into that, instead of blitzing-out every time she thinks that someone attractive is a threat to her? As it is, I can’t help feeling Mason is going to wise up some day, and think, “You know, she really is crazy. Time for goodbyes. Where’s that old kevlar vest I used to have?”

Speaking of goodbyes, this is the end of my current stint. Please give a warm SOSF welcome to your new host, Epicus Doomus!

Paper or Plastic Dirt-Bag?

Link to today’s strip.

Never mind the title of this entry; sometimes it’s really hard to be clever, as Frankie (and a certain cartoonist) can well attest. So, like a certain cartoonist might say, you grab a word out of the material in front of you and think, “What goes with ‘dirt’?” You might find yourself surprised by your findings. And not in a good way.

Anyway. So, Frankie and Lenny see Mason and Marianne walking away toward the studio soundstage.

Somehow, this gives Frankie ideas. Big ideas–the kind his boss, Fred Flintstone, wants. The kind he knows Fred will see, and he’ll get that maniacal gleam in his eyes. “Boys,” he’ll say, “boys, this–this is good. This is really, really good. Yabba-dabba-do!”

And, using a bit of imagination, I can see the headlines now:

As Alfred E. Neuman once offered, “Perfect for framing or wrapping fish!” What he once said about his own portrait might now apply to certain sections of the newspaper in their entirety.

DuMbZ Part 3 in 3-D

Link to today’s strip.

Oh Good God. You know, the other day when I said that Frankie’s big scoop would be “Elder Stars of ‘Starbuck Jones’ in Torrid Affair,” I was kidding. I didn’t think that anyone, and I mean anyone, would notice such an innocent-looking stroll and think, “Oh, boy, look at the scandal right in front of me–here’s my next paycheck!”

Frankie is really, really bad at this villain business. Sure, I recognize that he has the requisite sleaze factor (based solely on the fact that Westview hates him, so who knows if that sleaze actually exists). But he would also have to have some kind of journalistic ability, and the judgment necessary to recognize when a story is not a story, and vice-versa. And italics.

Of course, I don’t know why Clean-Shaven Fred Flintstone is even taking the time to berate them. In case he didn’t notice, the network already ran with both of these stories. It’s way, way too late to decide they just aren’t up to snuff. It’s also hard to tell his reporters, “Don’t do that thing that we used, and that we paid you for. Just stop doing that. What? What should you do instead? I don’t know. I’ll let you know after we run your work in prime time.”

Unless…the last two days were a dream sequence for Frankie? I would not put it past this comic strip to pull that one.