Secrets, Lies and Errors

What fresh awfulness do we have in today’s strip? Oh, just the latest reminder that Lisa’s Story is all about Les… and that anything written or filmed about Les isn’t worth the paper or celluloid it is recorded on.

This is who Mason considers “a real hero”? Someone who apparently told the accomplished and successful actress Marianne Winters to her face that she wasn’t good enough for the role of Lisa? Someone whose advice to her on playing the role of his late wife in a scene where she is preparing to have a biopsy to confirm a probable cancer diagnosis is to think more about HIM?

Les Moore is monstrous cad and in a just Batiukverse he would have been thrown off of a railroad trestle years ago by one of a long list of suspects too long to investigate and whom no jury would convict even if caught.

34 Comments

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34 responses to “Secrets, Lies and Errors

  1. Epicus Doomus

    So now Dick Facey is an acting coach too, eh? I’ve been saying this a lot lately but this is just repellent beyond words.

  2. bigd1992

    I’m envisioning something like The death of Brad Wesley in Road House, where the good citizens show up, blast him with shotguns, get rid of the guns, and nobody saw anything. For one, we’d have a happy ending in FW.

  3. billytheskink

    “Something’s not quite clicking…”

    So it must be Marianne’s fault? We haven’t even seen her deliver a single line yet. In fact, we are apparently still shooting a third take of a scene Director Martin Johns described as “great” not 3 strips ago.

    It’s called pacing, TB.

    • Epicus Doomus

      Essentially Les Moore just taught Marianne how to love. BatWad’s head was buried so far up his ass when he wrote this he gets to skip his colonoscopy for the next fifty years.

    • Hitorque

      Maybe quoting the entire book verbatim wasn’t the best creative decision for the script writer?? It’s not like Les was ever known for his wit or flowery prose…

  4. ian'sdrunkenbeard

    What’s going on here? Is Less going to play himself?

    • erdmann

      Why not? After all, he’s had plenty of experience. Every time he breaks out the Lisa Tapes he pla… Oh, no. Wait. That’s not what you meant is it?

  5. erdmann

    What is Les even talking about here? How does his nonsensical verbal horse flop inspire her? What is he doing given her acting advice? Why is the director letting him? WHY THE HELL IS LES EVEN STILL THERE?!

    Sorry. I just feel like screaming right now. I just want to rage and the stupidity and egotism on display here so long and so loud that even Batiuk can hear me in whatever fantasy world he he calls home.

  6. ian'sdrunkenbeard

    Double play!

  7. ian'sdrunkenbeard

  8. Barnaby Scones

    Someone who knows all the secrets, lies, and prayers of Les Moore is the unluckiest person in the universe. With cancer to boot.

  9. Banana Jr. 6000

    Oh, COME ON, Batiuk! Every time Les had a chance to tell Marianne what he really felt, he chickened out. Now we’re supposed to believe that he not only told her the truth, but was so diplomatic about it that she would now seek his advice.

    There’s also the implication that Lisa’s Story is just sooooooo emotionally complex that a mere action movie starlet couldn’t possibly perform it correctly. Tell me, Les, what is the proper way to deliver the line “after the chemo the playground will be closed for repairs”? Bear in mind she’s talking about her vagina. And Marianne acts like it’s her fault that this dreck doesn’t work.

  10. Paul Jones

    It can’t possibly be Les’s fault that the source material is baffling dreck or that Lisa looks like a cartoon idiot. That would imply that he’s the worst possible person in the world to write Lisa’s story. That can’t be….at least not to the hack writing this self-indulgent torrent of rancid oatmeal.

  11. Charles

    Yeah, maybe it’s not clicking because the dialogue is absolute shit and there’s no actor alive who can deliver it in a heartfelt and convincing fashion.

    “We’ve lived through stuff before, and we can do it again!” Holy shit.

    Also remember that the actress in the 2014 Lust for Lisa filming also caught wind of the fact that Les didn’t think she was good enough. His advice to her then was similarly incoherent and useless and yet Batiuk decided it was just what she needed to do the job.

    • Hitorque

      Les has decades of built-up resentment against women that ought to be examined…

      I seriously hope that wherever Kayla is, she’s talking to a divorce attorney

    • Banana Jr. 6000

      Yeah, that line is awful. What a terrible thing to say to a loved one facing a scary disease. Les, you shallow jerk, you hadn’t lived through CANCER before,

  12. Hitorque

    So Marianne Winters ver1.0 was a 19 year old ingenue who was naive, emotionally fragile, still lived with her mom, and dressed like the average Westview High School background kid… One billion dollar movie later, and her image is on countless posters, video games, toys and other merchandising and 20 million sweaty teenage geeks are jerking off to her photo three times a night (Hello, Margot Robbie)… So she’s now a 25-year-old sexpot Hollywood “It Girl” bubbling with confidence and energy but the first time Mr. Director says “Let’s shoot it again,” all that confidence in her acting talent comes crumbling down in an avalanche of doubt and self-loathing?!

    AND HOW THE HELL did she know about Les’ doubts, unless Masone told her? And if he did, why in God’s name would be tell her?

    And if she knows Les wasn’t that high on her skills, why did she run to him for encouragement?

    And why is Marianne solely blaming herself? Masone ain’t exactly Paul Newman, right? Maybe he’s the weak link?

    It’s funny because despite working together before it turns out they really DON’T have that much mythical “chemistry” after all so Masone is a damn liar. Maybe he shoehorned Miss Winters in this role so *he* could feel more comfortable? Or was he scared of being shown up by a more experienced and accomplished actress?

    And forgive me, but who the fuck wrote the rule that love stories are *hard* to play? Everyone has been in love before, so everyone should be able to at least pretend to be in love. (Nobody can argue that adult film performers are “great” actors but they can at least convince me that they love each other). Nevermind the fact that almost all young actresses get cast as someone’s girlfriend or wife at some point. You mean to tell me Marianne has never done a love story, even in a school play?

    • Hitorque

      AND WHY IN FUCK’S NAME would Marianne give a rat’s ass what Les thought of her skills anyway? He isn’t an actor, director, producer, or even a film critic. I thought Marianne learned her lesson from last time about not taking everything random assholes say about her to heart?? Even though he’s the author, Les Moore literally has less direct involvement and responsibility in this movie than he did the first project. As far as Hollywood hierarchy is concerned, Les Moore is maybe one notch above “random mook who wandered off from his studio tour group” so WHY do people defer to him?!

      • Rusty Shackleford

        Batty is just giving Hollywood the middle finger since they didn’t defer to him as they were exploring the idea of a Crankshaft movie.

        He was probably pouting and acting like a child and so they paid him to go away. (This was the birth of the kill fee.)

      • For that matter, how did she find out that Les hates her? Did she overhear Les and Cindy complaining about her? (I have a lot to say about Cindy, but that can wait until the next time she shows up.) What did Les say when he was caught-out? Did he apologize? What did Mason say?

        What did Marianne say? Has she gotten treatment for her obvious mental illness, and/or learned coping skills for her “bad days”? (There will be a lot of them on THIS set…) Why did she agree to stay in the movie, instead of say “Find a new Linda, my agent just got me a role in ‘Wayback Wendy: The Movie’?” If she didn’t find out from or because of Les, where and why? Is she good friends with Period Piece Bagel Lady?

        Does the director know about this potential production-derailing drama? Does the producer? Does the BENCH?! (The only “actor” that Les has yet to complain about.) Did the paparazzi get wind of it? Is that how Marianne found out? (We already factually know that she reads and pays too much attention to Twitter.)

        Even the boring filler we’ve seen had some potentially interesting questions. How did Mason react when the security guard didn’t recognize Starbuck Jones? Maybe Period Piece Bagel Lady could have let something slip about Marianne that would give Les a valid reason to be concerned about her role in the movie? (Maybe she uses her complimentary copy of “Lisa’s Story” to stabilize her wobbly kitchen table.) Maybe the bench is also a widower?

        (My apologies if this shows up in triplicate. I’m wrestling with WordPress today, apparently.)

  13. Hitorque

    Remember when I said earlier this week that I expected Batiuk’s best work with this “Lisa lives again” storyline?

    Please slap me with a dead trout next time I say something so stupid.

  14. William Thompson

    “Lisa also saw my birthmark!” Les tells her, and parts his hair to reveal the 666 on his scalp. “Now get in there and act like you love me!”

  15. William Thompson

    And Les didn’t even give her a bent nail, the cheap bastard!

  16. William Thompson

    Ooooh, Les, you are such a magical author-avatar! Just a few words of advice and everyone applauds! (Yes, they’re applauding after they see Marianne’s performance, but we really know the claps are all for you.)

  17. Dood

    So, this comic strip can give you the clap. Figures.

  18. Count of Tower Grove

    Mega?* The director and crew breaks into applause as Marianne finally gets it right before the director cries “Cut!”?* It looks like the day’s work is all for naught?*

    *Indicates uptalk inflection

  19. Perfect Tommy

    This isn’t clicking. We need to set the proper mood. Les! Take Shermy the camera guy and go get us a big, shiny, aluminum Christmas tree! Maybe paint it pink!

  20. Professor Fate

    Dear lord this is appalling even by the FW standards of appalling
    1) Why would anybody ask a high school teacher about acting?
    2) as noted by many others the focus is on Les not on the woman who is facing the results of a biopsy. Having unfortunately experience with folks dealing with breast cancer I can say that nobody in the real world be demanded that they should be paying attention to them at a time like this. It’s disgusting.
    3) What secrets and what not could Les have that were that important? I mean we all have things hidden away but again only an out of control narcissist would think right now is the best time for the woman you say you love to tell you how much you are loved.
    4) and lastly the f-king clapping – this is right up there with the Les runs the bases strip in terms pathetic self indulgent twaddle. Really what is the reader supposed to think? Why does this strip exist except what story point does it show? It’s an exercise in self indulgent fantasy. No Tom people are not clapping.
    Urk

  21. Jimmy

    I think billytheskink is the one who really deserves the standing ovation today for his accurate takedown of Les.

  22. Rick Brooks

    No snark here. I’m genuinely confused by panel four. What is going on? Is this a flashback? Some sort of symbolism?

    • batgirl

      I am guessing flashback because the clothes don’t match, but not to the original moment because the clothes don’t match. Gah.