So many of you yesterday were baffled at the nothingness of this week. You figured, maybe hoped, that after Malcolm and Logan’s embarrassing date, that they would slide down the memory hole and out of this strip forever.
But today’s strip silently forebodes something much more sinister. That bitter and sour expression on Miss Cashier Lady’s face. It’s almost… as if…
The face of meddlesome woe.
Batiuk. No. Stop. Please. You’re not equipped to handle this. You’ve really never been that great at handling these things, and the modern cultural climate is much less forgiving of the sort of bungled virtue signaling you got away with in the past.
No one wants this.
Having said that, I truly, unironically feel blessed that he doesn’t offer much in the way of political takes. I don’t recall any commentary about the last president; I don’t recall any lectures about vaccines or masks, or opinions on whether or not the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq were just, or really anything other than the most anodyne of mainstream thoughts, viz. Bill Clinton’s a nice, regular guy; climate “damage” (his expression) is bad; availability of guns causes school shootings, etc.
I applaud his generally nonpolitical stance and hope never to hear his opinions on Ukraine or Russia, no matter what they are. All of us are pelted with political opinions every time we turn on a screen. I like having FW, and this comment section, as a respite. Mental rest is important.
The Duck of Death, May 30, 2022.
DOD, I hear you. No Politics is one of the very few site rules here. But it becomes a tricky rule when it’s Batiuk himself bringing politics into the conversation with his strip.
And so I’m wondering what you guys think. In the week to come, it gets a little political. (Of course in a very Batiuky bland way.) I’ve done some reading and thinking. Some preliminary archive browsing. I’ve got a few things I could bring up and examine regarding how Batuik has dealt (or not dealt) with racial issues in the past.
Or not. I could also just find something really random in the background of each strip, and tell you all about the history of linoleum or Styrofoam.
Logan is playing an age old scheme. A game as old as the rolodex and the address book. She’s not really interested in Malcolm now, in fact, never really wanting to see him again, but still wants to keep the echo of a line open. Another invisible thread in her bundle of similar invisible threads so that, when time gets short or she get tired of the hunt, she can yank on that bundle and see which fish haven’t been caught yet. See which fish have gone from bony bait to a trophy. Catch and release romance.
erdmann and newagepalimpsest had a different take on Malcolm and Logan reiterating over and over to each other that this is their last date:
And…wow. The nihilistic existential dread in the idea that you are an unimportant fictional character that is doomed to not only cease to exist, but cease to be remembered, the moment the eye of your uncaring creator finally passes from you. That you are conscious and aware only in this meaningless moment, and all that you have is the companionship of those trapped in the same hell, teetering on the edge of the cliff that will plunge both of you into damnatio memoriae. That is some psychological horror that Batiuk never has the guts or ambition to delve in to.
I feel sick.
Existential horror isn’t the only nightmare we’re subjected to today. We also have a visual monstrosity in the background of the first panel. In fact, you guys have been spotting weirdos in the background all week. I wonder what it is like to experience the Funkyverse from their eyes. What their stories might be.
“Jeremy ‘Jay’ Raffe knew that wearing his hair down would hide the damage from the accident, that horrible day with the taffy puller that had changed his life forever. He’d grown his hair out intending to do just that. But…gradually he had realized, self-acceptance is all about control over what you choose to be. You cannot be a freak without your consent. And if he was going to be a freak, it would be for the manbun he chose, and not the neck that he didn’t.”Paul Roberts’ mother told him that his father was a great man, a great man who had worked for great men. Before he’d left her, he’d shown her a Philips-Norelco PC80 color broadcast camera, and said that when his son was old enough to lift it, he should take what was under it and come find him. She’d only find out later about all the cameras. All the cameras, all the women, and all the green plaid shirts. Dozens of boys and men, travelling the country, wearing the emerald flags of their patrimony, hoping to find their father, and instead finding brothers with the same story and the same dream. Many had stopped the search for Father Roberts, taken off their shirts and changed their names…but Paul still held out hope. Even as his shirt faded, his dream never died. That someday from out of the crowd he would feel a hand on his shoulder, and a voice calling him, “Son.”“‘Seven days….” the childlike voice had whispered over the phone. But Charles ‘Chet’ Bruin wasn’t too concerned. His buddy, Seth, knew he had the tape and knew he was going to watch it once he’d dug his parents’ old VHS player out of the downstairs closet. It was just a senior prank. ‘Seven Days’ to graduation. Much Lulz for the TikTok.
Chet was running home after the ceremony to grab his trunks when he heard a crash from the living room. He ran in to see his dad’s precious 146 inch Samsung LED flatscreen had fallen off the wall. When he lifted it, underneath he found her, soaking wet in a nightgown. A little on the wan side, maybe, but kinda cute. She looked up at him with the palest blue eyes. He had to at least give it a shot.
“You wanna go to a graduation party?” Chet asked. “My sister has a swimsuit that would probably fit you.”
She smirked at him. Then opened her mouth impossibly wide. And Chet knew, it was gonna be a good party.”
Oh, good. Logan, got my advice. Despite presumably having the entire summer to continue seeing each other, Logan is drawing a line under this date. Never again! After this is over, she’s never going to go to the mall with Malcolm, never going to eat ice cream with Malcom, and never going to watch a Marvel movie ever again. Good for her.
I do find the meta-joke funny here. (Not the strip itself, it’s pretty clumsy.) They went to see ‘the latest Marvel movie.’ Batiuk’s writes everything a year in advance, but he knew there would be ‘a latest Marvel movie’, no matter when this arc ran. There is always a latest Marvel Movie. There will always be latest Marvel Movie. The virtual reality computer chips Elon Musk will get us all to implant in our heads 20 years from now will come with Disney+ preinstalled and undeletable, and our decaying brain matter will be eternally wirelessly downloading the latest Marvel Movie as we lay dead and rotting in our Disney Corporate caskets in the Magic Kingdom to Come.
Weird that Logan is saying this is the first time they’ve ever eaten ice cream together. I mean, they’ve been friends, at least casually, for years. We saw them hanging out at Komix Korner together after school. But they’ve never eaten ice cream in proximity? Or just gone to the mall to kill time with Bernie and Connor?
Wait, what mall is this?
Thanks to strips the glorious Batiukstorian, Billy The Skink, dug up last week, we know at some point there was a Westview Mall. At least at the time of Les and Cindy’s graduation. Which surprises me because Westview doesn’t seem like a big enough town to support a thriving mall. Especially now that malls everywhere are dying a slow agonizing death.
When Cayla farmed her daughters out as labor for Christmas break in 2020, they certainly weren’t working at the Westview Mall.
An apt punishment for someone in their eighth year of college.
‘TH’ Mall is probably supposed to be Mammoth Mall; the mall in Centerview where Crankshaft used to traumatize children as a photo op Santa.
Crankshaft, the superior Funkyverse Protagonist.
Mammoth Mall is also where a very late Act II Darin and Pete went in 2006 for Senior Skip Day.
Also in attendance, Darin’s old nose.
And at the time Mammoth Mall is referred to, by both Linda and Pete as THE Mall. So I think we can safely assume that Mammoth Mall in Centerview is ‘the mall’ for both towns.
Do you remember Hispanic Linda? Harriet Farms Remembers.
But, that doesn’t make any sense. Because Crankshaft learns in 2019, (and ten years in the past?) that the mall was supposed to be closing.
Of course this could be a ploy to get rid of Crankshaft…
Indeed, in 2017 the Mammoth Mall was already as empty as the mall from Silent Hill 3, and full of similar haunting horrors.
Horrors beyond imagination, eating at a Toxic Taco.
Look how the tiny cashier in the one open store is drawn leaning on the counter bored! I have nothing but respect for Davis.
Of course, in August 2019 there was still enough of a crowd for Crankshaft to taunt multiple groups of innocent children about the inevitability of summer’s end.
This is petty and spiteful and juvenile. I love it.
And for the 2020 Christmas season, either a year or eleven years after Cranky got fired from his Santa gig, there wasn’t a shortage of traffic.
I will give you small green paper to wrap this paper box in additional paper so that my loved ones may tear it off and throw it away and then return the paper box here to get the original small green paper back.
So Mammoth Mall is Schrodinger’s Shopping Complex. When unseen it is both dying and fine simultaneously. But when observed in strip it is always either dying or fine, based on Batiukian forces beyond our understanding.
In a way, it stands for the dual fates of malls in modern society. Many are sad, desperate shells, full of broken dreams, and dentist offices. Some are still doing fine, still a hub for women to shop, teens to hang, and men to wait on benches staring blandly at their phones. And I’m guessing that everyone is within day-trip distance of one of each kind.
When my mom calls me up and asks if I want to go to the mall, I always wonder which one she means: The living, or the dead?
Logan, woman to fictional girl, I think this better be your last potentially romantic date with your good pal Malcolm.
I mean, I guess he’s tall. And next to cowlick Connor and certified Michelin Manlet Bernie, he’s okay looking. Yeah, he’s got a receding hairline, but what fresh-faced Westview teen doesn’t have one? I mean just look the crowd at that graduation party you went to!
That’s a lotta kids in baseball caps for a pool party…
But girl. I’m seeing some SERIOUS red flags. You better put him right back in the friendzone.
I know from my work at the gas station, that a lot of the young high schoolers these days have debit cards. All well and good. But a credit card?
I remember the day my mom handed me a credit card with my own name on it. She said it was linked to her account. She said she would be able to see everything I bought. She said it was only for emergencies. Like if I was stranded in a blizzard and needed a hotel. (Many of my mom’s worst case scenarios involve blizzards. It’s also why she refuses to get rid of the compressed bale of old blankets wedged in her linen closet.) She gave me one of those serious mom stares. I felt like I was walking around with the nuclear football tucked into my nylon wallet.
But Malcolm tells us that this is HIS credit card. I guess that means Malcolm is 18, and has an independent source of income. Which would seem like points his in favor. But then he says he must have maxed it out and didn’t realize it? And so Logan has to pay for the latest rehashed Marvel product?
I don’t have a smart phone. My phone has a calculator, and always knows what time it is, so it’s already smarter than me. I had a smart phone for about six month, before I ruined it jumping into a pond to fish out a newborn calf. Now I’m playing a game of chicken with a 10 year old diet-blackberry Samsung to see which quits first, the phone or the entire 3G Network. (Looks like the phone will win.)
But I have seen the wizardry available with the internet in the palm of your hand. I’ve seen people at the checkout have a card decline, pull out their phone and pay it off, or transfer money from one account to another, in minutes. I’ve seen people glancing at their phones and checking their balance before telling me exactly how much in sticky quarters they’re going to give me to pay for their pack of Camels so they can run the rest on their cards.
Meaning, any tech literate young zoomer is going to be able to pay down the balance on their credit card with their phone on the spot.
Meaning, Malcolm not only has maxed out his credit card, he lacks the funds in his bank account to pay it down. And he didn’t think to check on this before his very special date with Logan? A date where he only brought his credit card? He’s already in debt, but was going to tack interest charges onto a date?
And I know most starting out credit cards have pretty low credit lines, but still $1000, $500?
Then he looks Logan in the eye, face both tired and pained, and tells her that this is nothing…barely peanuts…to the crippling debt he’s planning to inflict on himself. Malcolm already has a solid figure in his mind, so much so that he already counts that debt as HIS before he’s sat through a single lecture. Tens of thousands of dollars, maybe hundreds of thousands, more money than most people make in a decade, are already hanging over his head, future promise bucks handed from lender to unnamed college in his name. For what?
Why is he going to a college expensive enough to drain the light from his eyes? What are his plans? Does he have a career path that requires a degree? Because he isn’t being bankrolled by scripture sales from the Cult of Dead St. Lisa. He doesn’t have an Endless Summer to spend puttering around a university changing his major from one useless certificate to another.
College can be a rewarding place to learn, to find yourself, to make new friends, to fall in love, and have exciting experiences. So can summer camp. You do not go 40 grand in debt for summer camp. You go 40 grand in debt because you have a clear goal that necessitates that sacrifice.
Come on, Logan! Surely with your ABC News boosted business blog, you should be able to talk him out of the biggest and most expensive mistake an aimless young graduate can make:
He appeared in 68 strips, not counting this week. He spoke 31 lines of dialogue.
And.
At last.
A (first) name.
How do I know all those specific numbers? Uhhhh.
You know how yesterday’s post was kind of short? Today is going to make up for that. You’re all in luck, or out of luck, depending on your views. Because we had a couple rain days last week that kept me out of the fields.
And so, below, in chronological order, is every appearance of the class of 2022.
August 26, 2015. 1st appearance of Bernie Silver. Westview seniors Owen and Cody attempt to bully him. He is nonplussed. The next strip they stop when they realize Bernie has a copy of ‘The Amazing Mr. Sponge’ in his backpack.
August 30, 2015. 1st appearance of Maris Rogers, unnamed. She is presented as the newest in a long line of popular blonds. Les creeps on her as only Les can.
For the most part Owen, Cody, and Alex dominate Westview High School storylines for the next months. Freshmen don’t show up again until…
February 23, 2016. Bernie Silver is reintroduced, Maris Rogers gets her name, and Logan Church’s has her first appearance. Logan was colored white for her first week, before becoming black when next seen in September. She has since been recolored in the Comics Kingdom archives.
February 29, 2016. The aged up Crankshaft Twins, Emily and Amelia, are introduced. And spend a week establishing that Emily is the pink and sunny one, and Amelia is the dark and sassy one. For the first couple weeks, their hair is colored typical-Westview-blonde, but has since been recolored in the Comics Kingdom archives as a strawberry blonde.
This will, of course, remain wildly inconsistent.
The following week, we get another set of Emily and Amelia shenanigans. Including Batuik pulling out an ancient running gag from the 70’s, and the last appearance of quarterback, chain-smoker, and 35-year-old high school student Jarod Posey. Emily and Amelia join ‘The Bleat‘. Amelia eats lunch with SENIORS. Les tries teaching them poetry.
July 10, 2016. A Sunday Strip where Emily and Amelia play their previously established instruments door to door as a band fundraiser.
August 10, 2016. Malcolm and Connor, and later Emily and Amelia, appear as silent students in a week-long band camp arc where Becky and Dinkle are the only characters to speak.
September 18, 2016. A Sunday Strip where Bernie asks if he can opt out of a quiz. Logan, Maris, and maybe Amelia are in the class.
October 23, 2016. A Sunday Strip where Bernie on ‘The Bleat’ announces Bull Bushka’s retirement. Some students that look like Maris and Malcolm are pictured in class.
January 8, 2017. A Sunday Strip where Bernie hasn’t practiced the Trombone.
March 5, 2017. A Sunday Strip where Bernie leaves chess club to go play games at Komix Korner with Malcolm and Connor.
March 19, 2017. A Sunday Strip where Malcolm and Connor are playing games in Komix Korner.
March 29, 2017. In the middle of a week of Becky/Dinkle gags, a single strip where Dinkle addresses the band. Malcom gets the only name he will be known by for the rest of his high school tenure. Bernie, Emily, Amelia, and Connor are also seen.
April 17-22, 2017. A week of high school gags. First two strips of Les ranting at silent students. Emily, Amelia, Malcolm, Connor, Logan, and Bernie are crudely scribbled in. Then a strip at Komix Korner where Malcolm and Logan tease Bernie about Facebook friends. Then three strips where Bernie and Malcolm talk about how dangerous ‘the vendo’ snacks are.
May 28, 2017. A Sunday Strip where Logan takes a test. A call back to Batiuk’s numerous test gags of the past.
A week of school shenanigans. On May 31, 2017 we get Bernie doing another Batiuk ™ wacky test answer. And June 1, has a poorly drawn Connor talking to a poorly drawn Linda (Burchett had just taken over art duties.) Everything else that week is about the teachers.
June 11, 2017. A Sunday Strip where Bernie, Malcolm, and Logan are playing games at Komix Korner.
August 28, 2017. The final appearance of Owen, Cody, and Alex, at the Starbuck Jones premiere.
January 17th and 18th, 2018. In a week of Les Moore complaining about copier paper, Maris, Malcolm, and Logan run in filming a hit piece for ‘The Bleat’. The artwork is particularly awful.
January 21, 2018. A Sunday Strip. Emily and Amelia talk to people who don’t resemble their parents all all about getting rid of the landline.
January 22 and 23, 2018. Bernie, Malcolm, and Logan discuss school food.
JUNE 10th, 2018. A Sunday Strip. Bernie talks on ‘The Bleat’ about teachers running out of material to teach. Emily and Amelia film him. A student who may be Connor beans a kid with the sun in Kablichnik’s classroom.
DECEMBER 16, 2018. A Sunday Strip. Becky and Dinkle yell at the band. I you squint and cross your eyes Bernie, Connor, and Emily might be there…or they’re just generics.
December 23, 2018. A Sunday Strip of the Christmas Concert. Is that Connor’s hair fweep in the second panel? Is that a tiny Amelia in the last? Does it matter? No. Because the strip is about Becky (for once.)
March 17, 2019. A week later, A Sunday Strip, Batiuk pats himself on the back again for the gun violence walkout by having Fred Fairgood watch the entire class walkout again on the news. If you squint you can tell it’s Bernie, Logan, Emily and Amelia leading the class out, and Malcolm, Bernie, and one of the twins on the TV.
April 2019. During THREE WEEKS of Free Comic Book Day at Komix Korner. Malcolm gets commissioned Darin art. Bernie meets Flash Freeman. Bernie and Malcolm ask about the first appearance of Batton Thomas. Logan, Bernie, and Malcolm get their pictures taken with Masone Jarre and Holtron. Logan gets an autograph to sell. And Malcolm asks about future crossover events at Atomik Komix.
The next week, May 8-11, Cindy has agreed to talk to ‘The Bleat’ crew. (For whatever reason, Batiuk has forgotten that Maris was supposed be a part of ‘The Bleat’.)
November 3, 2019. A Sunday Strip. Malcolm delivers a bad pun on ‘The Bleat’. Amelia and Logan are camera operator and director.
December 16, 2019. A single weekday strip of Dinkle criticizing Becky. Is that Malcolm in the crowd? Idk.
March 8, 2020. A Sunday Strip of Bernie getting a candy bar delivered. Malcolm and Emily are flabbergasted.
March 29, 2020. A Sunday Strip. Bernie relates New Horizon’s historic flyby with a Marvel character. Connor, Emily, Amelia, Logan, and Malcolm are in class.
April 15, 16 and 17, 2020. Batton Thomas visits Westview High. The kids don’t get it. Bernie, Malcolm, Emily, Amelia, and Logan are in attendance. Emily, as the polite one (or just because) asks the only question.
November 30- December 5, 2020. A week of disconnected school gags. The PA system screams for Logan, which startles Connor and Les. Bernie, Malcolm, Logan, Maris and Emily(?) return from an unseen field trip. Maris does a typical Cindy-lite school picture gag. Emily and Amelia talk to Les about Cross Country on set of The Bleat? Logan answers a question ‘correctly’ and Kablichnik cries. Bernie and Amelia are in class with her.
December 21, 2020. Malcolm walks out of band class in the background while Dinkle and Becky talk. THRILLING.
January 3, 2021. A Sunday Strip. Malcolm, Bernie, Emily, and Amelia show up as smirking side faces during the Winter Band Banquet.
January 10, 2021. A Sunday Strip. Connor, Emily and Amelia, and Logan are all called on by name during attendance. Malcolm looks devastated that another chance to establish his real name has come and gone. Bernie keeps Altoids in his pocket. This is treated like something we all should know by now.
January 24, 2021. A Sunday Strip. Becky explains the behavior guidelines before the band goes to OMEA. Bernie asks a question. Emily, Amelia, Malcolm, Logan, and what might be a tiny Connor and Maris are all in the background. The next day, only Malcolm is identifiable. The band is left behind in Columbus, Ohio, and not seen again as they make their long trek back in the middle of winter.
In February 2021 there is a week of Dinkle substitute teaching, but all the kids look completely generic except for maybe on February 17th. This might be Connor without freckles?
March 7, 2021. A Sunday Strip. Emily, Amelia, Bernie, and what might be the back of Malcolm’s head, listen to Kablichnik blather about black holes.
September 1, 2021. Les Moore crucifies the concept of humor on the set of ‘The Bleat’ while Emily, Amelia, Malcolm, Logan, and Bernie watch in horror. The next day Bernie runs out for protection.
September 5, 2021. A Sunday Strip. The Class of 2022 flashes back to a zoom lesson. Maris has black hair for some reason.
March 20, 2022. A Sunday Strip. Bernie, Malcolm, Logan, and Connor are playing Magic at Komix Korner. Bernie angrily forbids Batton Thomas from sorting Magic cards.
Son of Stuck Funky 
