Epicus Doomus

Sex Tripe Thing

That’s not really a pun, Mason. And did he actually pronounce the parentheses, or were they merely implied? Well, in any event, Cindy’s rampant insecurity is at least consistent with her character. I personally think she’s doomed here, which is also consistent with her character. And she’ll be wry and self-deprecating about it all, which again…

And what exactly is she talking about? His penis? Why BanTom, you racy PG-13 rapscallion! I would think the best thing that could happen to SJ would be, you know, FINISHING THE MOVIE but whatever you say there, Jarr. Given his propensity for doling out revenge on the cool kids from high school, I see Cindy eventually skulking back to Westview alone in shame, where she’ll probably have to accept some sort of pity-job at WHS as a visual arts teacher or something.

And this Starbuck Jones movie isn’t happening either. Two of his characters hitting it big in Hollywood, Cindy marrying a huge movie star…no way. FW Rule One – if it sounds too complicated or ambitious for FW, it is. Everyone gets their cosmic comeuppance in the Batiukverse and the best you can ever hope for is to carve out a tedious existence in your old hometown and accept your dismal fate. No way are these losers going to be the ones to prove otherwise.

There’s No Buzz-ness Like Show Buzz-ness

Link To Today’s Strip

The old master premise-flogger is at it again. Why say something in a few panels when you can drag it out for months at a time? The SJ movie is generating all sorts of red-hot buzz, yadda yadda yadda. How many more times does this need to be established? This thing has been in production for YEARS now, is it EVER going to move past the writing stage? And the clunky dialog, where every single character needs to reiterate what’s already been said countless times already even though the character they’re talking to knows exactly what they’re talking about…come on, Tom, your readers aren’t nearly as stupid as you seem to think they are. No one is, in fact.

The Winters Of Cindy’s Discontent

Link To Today’s Strip

Uh-oh. Cindy’s always-troublesome insecurity issues are about to come racing to the fore again, as her beau Mason will be co-starring with the “cute” Marianne Winters, as opposed to whatever old tired hag was originally scheduled to play the part in the film that never, ever will be completed. Knowing how incredibly shallow she is, this will no doubt become a huge issue for her and she’ll probably have to scurry back to Montoni’s to ask Funky for advice on how to handle it. Remember, Cindy, it’s been snowing there since Thanksgiving so allow yourself a little additional travel time.

Bi-“polar”. Winters. Summers. Oh boy, Batiuk must be salivating over the pun opportunities here. By the time this plays out he’ll have completely botched every one of them, probably more than once too. We all knew this Cindy & Mason thing was too good to be true, allowing Cindy to experience happiness before she suffered her full karmic retribution is the sort of thing you just don’t see in the Funkyverse. Warm her up a chair at Channel One or the WHS AV room, as her Hollywood dreams are about to be pulverized, BanTom style.

The Internet Is Still Useless

Link To Today’s Strip

Poor, poor Cindy. A former national network TV news anchor and engaged to a Hollywood superhunk, yet forced to toil in the sordid internet mines just to earn her keep. Such a wry, tragic tale. How many more humiliating indignities will Westview High’s former “it girl” be forced to endure? How many more times will she be faced with a reminder of just how old, washed-up and over the hill she is? Why are the inexorable forces of The Universe stripping her of every shred of confidence and self-worth she has?

I don’t know, but since it’s only Monday, it’s gotta be something. Probably some hilarious stuff about how insecure she is, possibly some comic books thrown in there, maybe an anecdote about a young Stan Lee having his wallet stolen at the first-ever Comic Con, who knows? The way 2016 is going it could literally be anything, at any time, for any reason. Or no reason at all.

Buddyblog always reminds me of Buddy, Wally’s suddenly missing service dog. Man, I miss that mutt. No dialog, no smirking, no wryness, no poorly-rendered nose, just an aloof canine “cool” that the rest of these morons are sorely lacking. Bring back Buddy!

A Homage To That Which Never Was

Link To Today’s Strip

Anyone who didn’t see one of these comic books covers coming, please pay more attention going forward. I only know what this is because I (hangs head in shame) regularly check out the official Batom Comics…er, I mean FW blog. Without going into way too much detail, blah blah blah comic books comic books comic books. That’s really all you need to know to be “up to speed”, as it were.

Are we looking at modern-day Pete and Boy Lisa here or their retro counterparts again? I guess the bow ties indicate “retro” but who really knows? “Charlie and Chuck” is another one of his fanciful fictional funny books and yes, it has a whole convoluted back story behind it too. Apparently “theft” is the theme here, as retro Pete and Boy Lisa are still bemoaning how they lost the rights to Starbuck Jones right before the (sigh) point in its retconned history when it really took off. Even his fantasies are miserable.

A propeller beanie AND a slingshot in the back pocket…where’s his Lone Ranger mask and Dick Tracy wristwatch? Too bad this creativity never finds its way into his daily strips, one gets the impression that THOSE obligations are really cutting into his vivid world of make-believe. Nothing’s happened in FW in almost a decade, yet the world of Batom Comics is exploding with all sorts of history and new characters. Go figure.