Oh, yay. Just what this strip needed. Les Moore-centric sexual jealousy. It’s like Batiuk thought “Oh, so people don’t like Les? They’re tired of Lisa’s Story: The Movie: Redux? I’ll show them! I’ll have a woman fretting and worrying about Les sleeping with someone hotter than her! I’ll force everyone to think about Les Moore’s sex life! Finally, I will have my revenge on the world that wronged me! All will suffer!” And then he cackles for ten minutes.
This is dumb and bad on so many levels. If Cayla seriously thinks the most popular girl in school slept with Les, she’s out of her mind. I mean she obviously already is, since she’s sleeping with and married to Les, but this is a whole other level. Also, given his creepy obsession with high school and blonde high schoolers, I guarantee Les would introduce himself to everyone he meets by saying “I’m Les Moore! Cindy Summers once slept with me!”. And then probably bring it up in literally every conversation thereafter.
Tag Archives: sex
A Night to Never, Ever Remember
Filed under Son of Stuck Funky
When Part D Fails You.
For someone wearing a hole in his shirt patting himself on the back for writing about safe sex in the nursing home, Batiuk didn’t even do the barest minimum of research for any part of this strip at all.
Here’s five questions that immediately came to mind when reading today’s offering. I was able to answer them in seconds using ‘Grandpa Google.’
1.) Does Medicare cover Viagra? NOT USUALLY.
The only reason you could get Medicare to cover Viagra is if you had it prescribed by a doctor to treat pulmonary arterial hypertension. ED drugs are not covered by Medicare part D.
2.) Is Viagra expensive? NOT ANYMORE.
In June of 2017 Pfizer’s patent on sildenafil ran out, allowing anyone to produce generics. The price dropped from 60-70 dollars a pill, to the price today which can be well under 10 dollars for the right generic.
3.) Is Viagra a little purple pill? NO. Viagra is blue. Viagra has always been blue. Viagra is known all over as, “The Little Blue Pill.”
4.) So what is the ‘Little Purple Pill’? NEXIUM
The antacid Nexium uses the phrase, ‘The Purple Pill’ or ‘The Little Purple Pill’ in many of it’s TV commercials.
5.) If Mort’s been taking Nexium instead of Viagra, what are the likely consequences? DEMENTIA.
Filed under Son of Stuck Funky
He knoweth nothing yet as he ought to know.
“I know what safety is! A wax pessary affixed with acacia gum! Just like my dad taught me!”
This really does confuse me. One, Mort is in a NURSING HOME, not a assisted living or retirement home. Where is he getting ‘safety’ materials if neither Funky nor the staff is providing them? I assume the staff would be providing them, and thus they would know that Mort didn’t need to have this uncomfortable talk with his son. Unless he’s bumming them off a friend.
And while it’s good that he won’t be getting any young nurses pregnant, I wonder if he knows there are plenty of great STD’s that most ‘safety’ measures don’t protect against. Warts, herpes, syphilis. After Mort has had the run of the place, I’m guessing Bedside Manor is crawling with more crabs than Cape Cod.
If I were Funky I’d clean off all that pubic hair covering my couch ASAP.
Filed under Son of Stuck Funky
Supersedure
I guess Mort really does have Alzheimer’s. Or at least some kind of tragic memory disorder. Because no matter his prowess at identifying erogenous zones, I can’t imagine he would be getting much action in school in 1945, when most girls were hoping to make it to the altar untouched, and birth control was not nearly as accessible.
He also knows exactly nothing about bees. Bees don’t have kings. They have drones. Drones have no stingers. Have no fathers. And can only have sex once because the act of impregnating a queen rips out their guts. If they don’t find a virgin queen to go out with a bang, they are driven from the hive in autumn to die of starvation and cold.
But maybe he means he is more like a male Queen Bee. When a Queen Bee is born, it immediately fights in a highlander style battle to the death with all of her virgin queen sisters. A Surviving Queen Bee gets to have sex a few times, but all within a couple days, during swarming. Once her spermatheca is full, she will never have sex again. Instead she becomes the baby factory of a new hive, creating more than a thousand babies a day, every day, until she gets too old.
When she gets old she stops producing as much queen pheromone. She is then replaced by the workers in a procedure known as “supersedure”. Her sterile worker daughters will raise new queen larvae.
When a new queen becomes available, the workers kill the reigning queen by “balling” her, clustering tightly around her. Death through balling is accomplished by surrounding the queen bee and raising her body temperature, causing her to overheat and die.
So death from exposure, disembowelment during sex, sororicide, or being smothered to death by his own progeny; which would you like to see happen to Mort?
Filed under Son of Stuck Funky
Mort-uary Madness
Holly’s thousand yard stare into the middle distance is absolutely haunting today. If she actually managed to look at her son, she would realize that he seems to have de-aged about ten years.
It’s also seemed strange at first that Funky has pulled up a wooden chair rather than sit on the couch with his father. But then again, I wouldn’t want to be sitting on anything contiguous with my father’s loins when discussing carnal matters. Also Funky is probably afraid of getting crabs.
Looks like the rest of the week will be this conversation between two doughy-faced doppelgangers barely differentiated by hair color. Yay. My booze budget will be through the roof.
Filed under Son of Stuck Funky
The Unfair Penitent.
Yes Funky, you are living proof that your father had intercourse with your mother at least once. That is, in fact, how humans reproduce. Not the asexual budding process that you seemed to have assumed for the first sixty years of your life. I would say we need a paternity test to be sure it was Mort who knocked on heaven’s door to bring to earth your doughy face, but given the the family resemblance, we can safely go with Nasus semper certa est.
This is nearly unbearable. However, let us at least attempt to learn and grow from our pain.
According to Webster’s online: “Lothario comes from The Fair Penitent (1703), a tragedy by Nicholas Rowe. In the play, Lothario is a notorious seducer, extremely attractive but beneath his charming exterior a haughty and unfeeling scoundrel. He seduces Calista, an unfaithful wife and later the fair penitent of the title. After the play was published, the character of Lothario became a stock figure in English literature. For example, Samuel Richardson modeled the character of Lovelace on Lothario in his 1748 novel Clarissa. As the character became well known, his name became progressively more generic, and since the 18th century the word lothario has been used for a foppish, unscrupulous rake.”
Filed under Son of Stuck Funky
[insert barf emoji here]
Comic Book Harriet back again. I stayed up late waiting for this strip to drop.
I am now drinking heavily in an attempt to simultaneously write about and forget it.
So Mort’s regeneration has extended from mind, to body, to virility. And now the nursing staff assume he is completely capable of remembering safe sex instructions from his son… and taking Mort’s ability to consent for granted.
You remember when Mort’s Alzheimers was so bad he was reduced to a blankly staring, practically non-verbal, vegetable in a wheelchair that couldn’t even recognize his own son? I really really REALLY wish he’d stayed that way. Because this week is going to be agony.
Filed under Son of Stuck Funky
Do Ya Think I’m Altruistic, Baby?
No preview…stay tuned. My guess: Boy Lisa drops by one of Les’ “Lisa Trilogy” book signings to drop off the Batom Comics covers for the big “Lisa’s Legacy” cancer charity auction while wearing a Kent State sweatshirt and everything at long last comes full circle.
UPDATE: There’s a lot of information packed into this little gem. I got the impression that Phil was bitter and angry, mainly by how bitter and angry he was acting, but today Boy Lisa verifies it. What a surprise, as the usual one-shot FW character is normally all full of rainbows and light and all.
Then things take a typically sappy turn as Darin’s Lisa “gosh darn helping people” gene kicks into overdrive which, strangely enough, sends Jessica into another craven display of wanton desire, this time sexual instead of financial. Man, this woman is just a ball of “help me I never signed up for this” energy, isn’t she?
Filed under Son of Stuck Funky
Sex Tripe Thing
That’s not really a pun, Mason. And did he actually pronounce the parentheses, or were they merely implied? Well, in any event, Cindy’s rampant insecurity is at least consistent with her character. I personally think she’s doomed here, which is also consistent with her character. And she’ll be wry and self-deprecating about it all, which again…
And what exactly is she talking about? His penis? Why BanTom, you racy PG-13 rapscallion! I would think the best thing that could happen to SJ would be, you know, FINISHING THE MOVIE but whatever you say there, Jarr. Given his propensity for doling out revenge on the cool kids from high school, I see Cindy eventually skulking back to Westview alone in shame, where she’ll probably have to accept some sort of pity-job at WHS as a visual arts teacher or something.
And this Starbuck Jones movie isn’t happening either. Two of his characters hitting it big in Hollywood, Cindy marrying a huge movie star…no way. FW Rule One – if it sounds too complicated or ambitious for FW, it is. Everyone gets their cosmic comeuppance in the Batiukverse and the best you can ever hope for is to carve out a tedious existence in your old hometown and accept your dismal fate. No way are these losers going to be the ones to prove otherwise.
Filed under Son of Stuck Funky
