Grossest In December

OK, I was kidding yesterday about skeevy Morton becoming a December tradition, but today’s strip takes my meanderings seriously. Who is the audience for this? OK, Greg Evans I guess, but who else?

I cannot decide which is more egregious:

  • The colorist’s decision to color both Funky’s and Morton’s coats blue (probably because they are just as confused by Morton and Funky’s converging ages as we are).
  • The Bedside Manor staff not knowing where five of their residents are.

If you are one of the 17 folks who own a copy of Roses In December or just a really really big Crankshaft fan, you may recall another story where a nursing home lost track of one of its residents. That time the nursing home had an excuse, as Ralph Meckler had kidnapped his Alzheimer’s-stricken wife and took her to Sotheby’s in New York to see his collection of vintage movie posters auctioned off.


Filed under Son of Stuck Funky

19 responses to “Grossest In December

  1. Epicus Doomus

    Bedside Manor let Morton just walk out and leave DURING A BLIZZARD. It just keeps getting dumber. And what better way to observe the birth of our Lord and savior than by featuring randy ol’ horndog Mort, Westview’s preeminent babe hound? Because when I think “Christmas”, I automatically think “oversexed ninety year old men”. But my childhood was difficult and strange, so you can’t go by me.

    • Rusty Shackleford

      It’s always a blizzard, even though in NE Ohio, there is barely a 50-50 chance of snow on Christmas. February is the high snowfall month.

      Heavy snow or rain is another cheap Batty gimmick used to generate drama.

  2. William Thompson

    FFS, this is probably criminal behavior on the nursing home’s part. They let an elderly patient leave on a winter night, don’t notify the family and don’t even ask where he’s going? Or, I guess, the other band members? If Mort and one of the choirgirls are found frozen to death in their van, it would mean a lot of legal complications. No matter how funny Batiuk makes it seem.

  3. Gerard Plourde

    Yesterday when I wrote “I came to this site as a long-time reader of the strip to voice my frustration with the increasingly sloppy storytelling” I didn’t expect TomBa to immediately provide such a perfect example. The most contrived sitcom plot has a stronger grounding in reality than this.

  4. Sorial Promise

    C’mon, I have been waiting three weeks to get the storyline about Les getting mugged. It’s at the top of the page. I’m aging here and not waiting patiently.

  5. Does Batiuk really think this is “comedy”? Because for someone who is apparently so sensitive to real-life concerns, this is offensive on so many levels it makes me wonder if Batiuk is just running some long-game con.

    “Ha ha, I tell ’em I’m concerned with contemporary problems, and then I let old people just wander out of their assisted living facility! I tell you, when the penny drops, I’ll be proclaimed as a genius!”

    (Imagine the above said in George Jetson’s voice.)

    • Banana Jr. 6000

      It’s a tone problem. One day he wants to treat nursing home incompetence like a joke, the next day he wants to milk it for another one of his overwrought award-chasing drama stories.

  6. Y. Knott

    “If you are one of the 17 folks who own a copy of Roses In December or just a really really big Crankshaft fan…”

    Gotta think that the Venn diagram of these two sets of people is, in fact, just one perfect circle.

    • J.J. O'Malley

      Well, it’s perfect for 16 folks, anyway. The symmetry is spoiled by the one person who saw the title listed under “comic strips,” thought they were buying a new release to add to their “Rose Is Rose” collection,” and later donated it to their local Goodwill.

      I cannot think of anything to say about the utter inanity and total divorce from normal human proceedings that this arc continues to unveil that hasn’t already been said. All I can add is that I went to Auntie Amazon and looked up the listing for “Roses in December.” The first customer review that popped up featured the headline “The Comics Made Me Cry!” I know precisely how you feel, Wanda S.

      • Banana Jr. 6000

        I can’t believe “Roses in December” actually exists. The Lisa books trilogy with the attractive leather slipcase is bad enough; who the hell wants a Crankshaft book about Alzheimer’s? Especially when Alzheimer’s is depicted as a condition that just goes away in the Funkyverse?

    • billytheskink

      Can a dot qualify as a Venn diagram? There’s a question for the great philosophers of our time.

      “You come to us with a question about Crankshaft?” they’ll say. “Yes.”

  7. none

    If this makes me sound unseemly, so be it, but I’ll come out and say it: If anything, I’d rather look at (most of) the women from Evans’s or McEldowney’s strips than the centenarian potato sacks featured here.

    If the underlying theme must be of a prurient nature, it’s far more easier for me to empathize with viewing Tiffany or Edda in that respect than Lillian, for chrissakes.

  8. Hitorque

    1. Playing at a church isn’t a “gig”

    2. I refuse to believe another New Orleans born Westview resident has died and requires a jazz funeral… And if that isn’t the case, what the hell is the Bedside Band even doing there? And please don’t say holiday music since evidently I must remind folks they are a **jazz band** and there are dozens of better options for the pastor of St. Spires if he just insists on having live music…

    3. Shouldn’t the Big Dink be out in Pasadena by now?

    4. It’s funny because Morton refuses to stop his lusty leering and groping and rubbing his erection up against ladies buttocks despite being in a House of the Lord Our God… Maybe the Big Dink should suggest Morton just stay home instead and beat his meat next time?

    5. It’s funny because NOBODY, not the choir, the Big Dink, the pastor or his band mates is devout enough to remind Morton he is in a House of the Lord Our God…

    6. Forget Christian beliefs… Nobody has the BASIC HUMAN DECENCY to tell Morton to go to hell for this inexcusable behavior?

    7. It’s funny because the Big Dink knows damn well, as manager and agent for the Bedside Mannerisms could also be legally liable if Morton sexually harasses or assaults a choir members and yet still he turns a blind eye.

    8. Didn’t the old Valentine Theater get converted into a tittie bar? Maybe Funkensteiger should give Morton that sock full of pennies and let him go wild?

    8a. Yes I know the Valentine is a tittie bar only in the Krankenschaaften timeline, but I refuse to believe anybody would invest the mountains of cash needed to turn it back into a real “vintage” movie theater, with the authentic 50-year-old bubblegum under the seats, since such a venture would NEVER turn a profit… Besides, I haven’t heard *anyone* even mention the theater in the Funkyverse timeline since the Starsucke Jonese world premiere, which was also the Cliffe Angere/Verae Milese nuptials…

    • Maxine of Arc

      “there are dozens of better options for the pastor of St. Spires if he just insists on having live music…”

      You mean like Harry Effing Dinkle, who was hired to be THEIR ORGANIST?

  9. be ware of eve hill

    Confused again. (What else is new) WHAT’S HAPPENING?!

    Is Dinkle even there? If so, was he with the choir or driving the ‘Bedside Mannerisms’ from the home? If the latter, shouldn’t he be leading them up the stairs? If Dinkle was with the choir, why isn’t he pictured?

    How is Dinkle even allowed to drive the Bedside Manor van? Wouldn’t vehicle use be limited to the employees of Bedside Manor for liability reasons?

    Who is booking “gigs” for the ‘Bedside Mannerisms’? Dinkle? Mort? The Bedside Manor? Yes, despite the silliness of a traveling band consisting of residents from a retirement home, I am compelled to ask this question.

    Did Mort drive the Bedside Manor van? Does Mort, a person with a history of dementia, have a valid driver’s license and auto insurance? The same liability concerns as with Dinkle driving the van apply.

    Did Bedside Manor just hand Morton the keys, or are they just hanging out in the open for anyone to take?

    Who is the blonde at Bedside Manor? A nurse? An administrator (God help us)? Why doesn’t she know where the ‘Bedside Mannerisms’ went?

    What kind of conversation took place?
    Mort: I’m taking the home’s vehicle. The band has a gig tonight.
    Administrator: Okay, have fun. Be back by ten.

    Reminds me of conversations with my mom back in my rebellious teenager years. She was always quick with a witty rejoinder.
    Mom: Where are you going?
    Me: I’m going to hell!
    Mom: Okay, be back in time for supper. Tell Old Scratch I said hi.

    • be ware of eve hill

      Do the residents’ families know their loved ones leave the facility for “gigs.” Wouldn’t the families sue Bedside Manor into oblivion if someone drove the Bedside Manor van over the cliff on Nobttom Road? I guess the Bedside Manor will cross that bridge when the time comes.

      Why is Funky parking directly in front of the Bedside Manor entrance? Is he an overentitled asshole? What if somebody needed an ambulance? Shouldn’t the facility have guest parking?

      Batty sure does love making women with blonde hair look like idiots.
      Blonde woman, what is your name?
      Blonde woman at Bedside Manor: I’m afraid that I don’t know… I seem to recall having one. Maybe it’s on my clothing somewhere.
      The blonde woman leaves and returns a few minutes later.
      Blonde woman at Bedside Manor: (smiles, pleased with herself) My underwear says ‘Tuesday’. My name is ‘Tuesday!’

  10. The Duck of Death

    Well, Holly seems to have Dinkle on speed dial, as we learned from the recent arc where she broke her footanklefemurhip. Why doesn’t he get Dinkle’s number from her and call him?

    Oh, right. Phones = modernity = Satan. Sometimes. And apparently now is one of those times.

  11. Sourbelly

    You know, that could be Funky in panel 3. He and Mort are basically identical at this point. A little father/son/crone threesome, perhaps?

  12. Banana Jr. 6000

    I just saw the trailer for the Buzz Lightyear movie. And I bet you there’s 20 things in it that reference the original Toy Story movies, or other Pixar movies. One of them was Buzz’ spaceship being fueled with a crystal, which ties into something he said in the first movie, when he thought he was a real space ranger. Pixar really pays attention to details and gets them right.

    I bring it up because it’s such a 180 from what Tom Batiuk subjects us to. He drones on about how he had a vision that showed him every nuance of the Funkyverse and how he learned to weave a rich tapestry from the time stream blah blah blah. But he can’t remember his characters’ names, ages, infirmities, or what year they live in.

    This comic strip spent 8 years killing Lisa and another 14 years sanctifying her, to the world’s indifference. Pixar can rip your heart out in 2 minutes with a Sarah Maclochlan song. The incompetence of FW is fun to snark at, but it also puts into perspective how good some people are at storytelling.