Tag: Cindy

Sex Tripe Thing

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That’s not really a pun, Mason. And did he actually pronounce the parentheses, or were they merely implied? Well, in any event, Cindy’s rampant insecurity is at least consistent with her character. I personally think she’s doomed here, which is also consistent with her character. And she’ll be wry and self-deprecating about it all, which again…

And what exactly is she talking about? His penis? Why BanTom, you racy PG-13 rapscallion! I would think the best thing that could happen to SJ would be, you know, FINISHING THE MOVIE but whatever you say there, Jarr. Given his propensity for doling out revenge on the cool kids from high school, I see Cindy eventually skulking back to Westview alone in shame, where she’ll probably have to accept some sort of pity-job at WHS as a visual arts teacher or something.

And this Starbuck Jones movie isn’t happening either. Two of his characters hitting it big in Hollywood, Cindy marrying a huge movie star…no way. FW Rule One – if it sounds too complicated or ambitious for FW, it is. Everyone gets their cosmic comeuppance in the Batiukverse and the best you can ever hope for is to carve out a tedious existence in your old hometown and accept your dismal fate. No way are these losers going to be the ones to prove otherwise.

There’s No Buzz-ness Like Show Buzz-ness

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The old master premise-flogger is at it again. Why say something in a few panels when you can drag it out for months at a time? The SJ movie is generating all sorts of red-hot buzz, yadda yadda yadda. How many more times does this need to be established? This thing has been in production for YEARS now, is it EVER going to move past the writing stage? And the clunky dialog, where every single character needs to reiterate what’s already been said countless times already even though the character they’re talking to knows exactly what they’re talking about…come on, Tom, your readers aren’t nearly as stupid as you seem to think they are. No one is, in fact.

 

The Winters Of Cindy’s Discontent

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Uh-oh. Cindy’s always-troublesome insecurity issues are about to come racing to the fore again, as her beau Mason will be co-starring with the “cute” Marianne Winters, as opposed to whatever old tired hag was originally scheduled to play the part in the film that never, ever will be completed. Knowing how incredibly shallow she is, this will no doubt become a huge issue for her and she’ll probably have to scurry back to Montoni’s to ask Funky for advice on how to handle it. Remember, Cindy, it’s been snowing there since Thanksgiving so allow yourself a little additional travel time.

Bi-“polar”. Winters. Summers. Oh boy, Batiuk must be salivating over the pun opportunities here. By the time this plays out he’ll have completely botched every one of them, probably more than once too. We all knew this Cindy & Mason thing was too good to be true, allowing Cindy to experience happiness before she suffered her full karmic retribution is the sort of thing you just don’t see in the Funkyverse. Warm her up a chair at Channel One or the WHS AV room, as her Hollywood dreams are about to be pulverized, BanTom style.

 

The Internet Is Still Useless

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Poor, poor Cindy. A former national network TV news anchor and engaged to a Hollywood superhunk, yet forced to toil in the sordid internet mines just to earn her keep. Such a wry, tragic tale. How many more humiliating indignities will Westview High’s former “it girl” be forced to endure? How many more times will she be faced with a reminder of just how old, washed-up and over the hill she is? Why are the inexorable forces of The Universe stripping her of every shred of confidence and self-worth she has?

I don’t know, but since it’s only Monday, it’s gotta be something. Probably some hilarious stuff about how insecure she is, possibly some comic books thrown in there, maybe an anecdote about a young Stan Lee having his wallet stolen at the first-ever Comic Con, who knows? The way 2016 is going it could literally be anything, at any time, for any reason. Or no reason at all.

Buddyblog always reminds me of Buddy, Wally’s suddenly missing service dog. Man, I miss that mutt. No dialog, no smirking, no wryness, no poorly-rendered nose, just an aloof canine “cool” that the rest of these morons are sorely lacking. Bring back Buddy!

Meanwhile, In Another Circle of Hell…

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Greetings, folks, BChasm back for another round in the chair.  Let’s see if we can get it to spin!

So, The New Darin and Cindy (looking very close to her “appearance-complaints” in panel one) are leaving Westview, returning to the glamour of Hollywood.  Ah Hollywood, where Cindy works at a company that seems like someone’s thinly-veiled YouTube channel, and The New Darin stars in made-for-TV fare that is invariably cancelled.   Can’t you just smell the stardom?

As a coda, we get Pete and The Old Darin facing the reality of every town in the Funkyverse–the fact that there is no escape from the horror that pervades every moment of life.  There are always those Philistines who refuse to see genuine art for its value, and instead look to crassly commercialize it by sinking black, oozing claws into it until it starts laying deadly golden eggs.   Golden eggs full of poison gas.

Kinda looks like The Old Darin has cut off his arm, there, though I’m sure that’s just an unfortunate colorist’s choice.   On the other hand, the carefully crafted punchline is really stupid–“changes to the changes” are still changes to the script, “changes to the script” being something that absolutely every movie, TV-movie, and TV series goes through every single time one is made.

In fact, there are so many revisions to a given script that those new pages are printed on different colored paper so that everyone can know exactly where they should be “on the page.”  It’s been this way for decades…though usually this happens either during rehearsals (to iron out difficult lines, or block stage business) or on the set (a location isn’t available, an actor quits, a character is dropped, etc).  Neither of which can be the case because 1) the damned star of the movie is swooning around in Ohio, and 2) so far as we know, there is no script yet.  And they’re not going to send our a crew to do second unit stuff until they’ve got something like a completed script.

Which brings me to a greater question–apparently at Cable Movie Entertainment, they hold script meetings where revisions are discussed.  Why in the Hell don’t they invite the screenwriter to these meetings?  Why are changes to the script a complete surprise to him?  He was hired, after all, because as a comic book writer he has some expertise in the field–why wouldn’t he be at these meetings?   He’s not unavailable or living in some distant city–he’s just down the hall.  It makes no sense to exclude him, in fact it seems to piss him off quite a bit.

Pete should be at all these meetings.  He should know about all the revisions, be able to contribute, and–more importantly–he should be able to shape those revisions, if he’s smart.  Not just negatively–“Well, Starbuck Jones wouldn’t do that, he’s got a code of honor”–but also positively–“Well, if you show the approaching Zergian ship, that’s another toy you could have in shops when the movie opens–vehicles are always big sellers…my pal Darin can sketch a rough of the ship for you.”  (Good one, Pete, you’ve come up with some dollar value, they’ll listen to your opinions now.)

There’s only one real answer.  Pete isn’t the screenwriter on the Starbuck Jones movie.  He’s just one of the typists.