Tag: Dinkle

Global Snooze Farce

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For some reason BatNom finds great, great humor in the idea of high school marching band members selling things to raise money for the band. Turkeys, books, chocolate…it doesn’t matter what they’re selling, just that they’re doing it.

“Knock-knock”

“Hi, can I help you?”

“Hello, I’m with the local high school marching band. We’re selling this Belgian chocolate to help raise money for new uniforms.”

(BanTom collapses to floor doubled over in hysterical laughter. Alarmed youngster quickly backs away and flees.)

See, these stupid marching band gags are all rooted in the character Dinkle used to be. Back when he was the megalomaniacal tyrant band director with all sorts of zany ideas, the band fundraising gags were likewise based upon that zaniness. Harry wants to sell band turkeys, Harry pushes the students to sell more and more candy and so forth. As awful as they jokes themselves were, they were at least consistent with the character. It’d make (a little) more sense if the old Dinkle was acting like marching bands represented the height of “culture” and bragging about his “global sales force”, as he was supposed to be delusional and over-the-top.

The problem (apart from the many other ones of course) is that Dinkle isn’t the zany old band director with his eyes always obscured by his stupid hat anymore, now he’s just another squishy old smirking moron who’s really only immediately distinguishable from the other squishy old smirking morons because he’s often standing next to a woman with one arm. The “jokes” are already abysmal but when taken out of their proper context and delivered by the universally-despised new Dinkle they’re just the pointless mutterings of another annoying jerk.

Interesting note: that was the first FW arc in a while that actually contained some sort of factual information, as totally pointless as it was. At long last, I’m finally actually learning something from this strip. I like it and would like to see it become a recurring thing.

“OK Funky, meet me over by the gazebo.”

“You mean the spot where General Cleveland Cincinnati wrested control of Central Ohio away from the hated Swedes back in 1814?”

“Yes, pizza.”

Phew-Litzer Worthy

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Oh brother. “The Noble Piece Of Chocolate Prize”…ladies and gentlemen, quite possibly the worst FW joke of 2017…so far. “Peace”…”piece”…just abysmal, one of those FW gags that would elicit eye-rolls from a classroom full of dull-witted third graders. And it’s lazy too. “Piece of chocolate prize”, I mean gak, that’s just terrible.

While I’m (sigh) well aware of band candy’s place in FW lore, part of what was supposed to be “zany” about the band fundraising arcs was the way they were always selling stuff other than band candy, like turkeys and band director autobiographies. I don’t remember any arcs about the massive amounts of cheap Belgian chocolate Harry was importing but apparently it was a huge part of his whole goofy persona all along. Maybe I should (chortle) start paying better attention here.

There is of course the strong possibility that this entire premise was built around creating an opportunity to do this joke. This whole chocolate thing did sort of come completely out of nowhere, although that doesn’t especially mean anything either. It’s also interesting to note that for the second week in a row he’s spoofing awards, which again might mean something or might mean nothing whatsoever. It’s just weird is all, which would be a terrific title for the complete FW Act III anthology collection.

Uniformly Awful

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Speaking of uniform, every single Dinkle strip is exactly the same. Premise, premise, sub-moronic Dinkle punchline delivered with grotesque cackle as background characters look on bemusedly. Yeah Harry, if this Van Houten guy hadn’t discovered how to make chocolate more palatable you wouldn’t have been able to sell chocolate to raise money for (sigh) band uniforms…what an incredible lucky break for you. And if early man hadn’t discovered how to kill, behead and eat large birds you’d have been shit out of luck on Thanksgiving too. Who the f*ck THINKS this way? Does this man EVER think about anything other than marching bands and fundraisers? I guess that’s supposed to be the joke, I think. But it’s not funny enough (at all) to be the joke, unless of course you think band fundraising is inherently funny, which almost no one does. I can’t even begin to imagine what someone unfamiliar with FW would think upon reading this. Fortunately though, that scenario rarely comes up.

Coming this fall: Harry’s scheme to create band uniforms MADE of band candy is thwarted when his clarinet section goes down with a near-fatal peanut allergy. Attempts to design peanut product-free band uniforms prove futile.

Unlike FW And Humor, For Example

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What? I have no idea why this is supposed to be funny. Totally irrelevant punch line, no wordplay, just a strange inexplicable statement that, based on the reactions of the characters, is apparently supposed to be a joke of some sort. “Candy and culture go hand in hand”…I suppose his daffy marching band antics might pass for “culture” in Westview but even that’s a real stretch. And it still doesn’t make this a real joke either.

That third panel is definitely one of the more bizarre FW panels of the year so far from an artistic perspective. Harriet and Prince Chocula manage to muster polite smiles as a clearly deranged and out-of-touch Dinkle makes an ass of himself within seconds with his bizarre babbling. He looks completely insane there, it’s the drooping eyelids that really send it over the top IMO.

Culture. Candy. Hands…nope. I still don’t see how this is a joke. Apparently the mere concept of band candy sends BanTom into hysterics, but that’s a discussion best saved for another day.

O2 Stupid

Prepare to re-enter the Funkyverse. Return all brains to the “off” position

Ho-ho-ho! Take THAT, airline industry! Always nickle and diming the hell out of the little guy, amirite? Luggage, peanuts, oxygen…is there anything those vultures don’t charge you for these days? Why I remember back in the day when flying was fun and glamorous and the sexy stewardesses would hand out food, booze, smokes and candy like it was candy…back before technology stole our souls and turned us into a nation of chullo-wearing….(zzzzzzzzzz).

Ooops, drifted off there. Yeah, it’s probably not the worst FW gag ever (as if) and the always objectionable Dinkle doesn’t say anything or contort his face into an obnoxious cackle, so there’s that. It’s pretty rare, so savor it.

Coming on Monday (minor spoilers): A distraught Becky stumbles into band practice. A student reminds her to sterilize her trombone mouthpiece.

“Band Director For Life Harry Dinkle’s plane was shot down over a large pig feces retention pond in North Carolina. It spun in…there were no survivors.”