Holly’s persistence pays off in today’s strip… or does it?
Yes, the 27 (or 37) year old phone number for President Clinton that Funky has still works, and his call has been received by a cell phone that recognizes Funky’s personal cell phone as Montoni’s! It must be the same brand as Wally’s magic Adeela-recognizing phone. But the man answering it, unfortunately, is not the former President.
Look, I dunno if this guy is Durwood 40 years in the future or maybe James Woods after a horrible accident involving a beaker or two of acid or the world’s most embarrassing caricature of the late Jerry Orbach or if Ayers just forgot what Flash Freeman looks like… but I do know he’s not Bill Clinton.
Son of Stuck Funky 
LOL oh man, sometimes BatYap belts one out of the park without even trying. This is the most unintentionally funny strip of 2020 so far.
We are reaching Mary Worth levels of funny.
Only if you mean “funny in the head.”
Mary Worth is always more charming, lovable, and self aware than Winkerbean. But the levels of funny we’re getting are similar.
“The owner wants my help to track down a missing delivery car and insulated bag!”
Honestly, I’m not sure if the recipient of Funky’s “sure, I have my personal number appear on the phones of people I call as Montoni’s, because I have no life away from the restaurant” call is supposed to be Bill Clinton, Joe Biden, or former “GMA” host David Hartman.
This is past hopeless, beyond pathetic, and rapidly swinging all the way around to ludicrous. Let me know when we get back to goofy.
“Hey, Hil, it’s that great little pizza place in Ohio that we’ve totally ignored and avoided for the past quarter-century!”
Presidential historians marveled at Mr. Clinton’s encyclopedic knowledge of everything he’d ever eaten.
“Yup, Montoni’s in Westview, Ohio, sometime in ’93. Three slices, with pepperoni. Traditional crust, slightly doughy and under-cooked. Excess grease, needed blotting with napkins. Mild aftertaste with hints of freezer burn and insecticide. Diet Coke, large, slightly flat, too much ice.”
Oh yeah I finished it all off with some piping hot coffee. The grinds are still blocking my digestive track.
It’s a Montoni’s commercial.
This entire arc… is a Montoni’s commercial.
What did Funky say yesterday? No one forgets Montoni’s pizza. What’s happening today? Celebrity spokesman Bill Clinton remembers Montoni’s pizza. In a way that sounds like yet another corporate slogan.
“So come on down to Montoni’s, that great little pizza place in Ohio(TM)! Try the coffee and a slice combo for only $6! ($1 goes to the Lisa’s Legacy Foundation.) It’s like your hunger is dying of cancer! Deport your thirst with a $3 green pitcher of soda… with or without ICE! Montoni’s! In Westview, next to the comic book store, across from the Lisa monument!”
It’s not like Batiuk is trying to write an infomercial script. It’s like he’s trying to write a powerful, emotionally resonant story, and an infomercial script is what comes out.
“No one forgets Montoni’s pizza”
And no one expects the Spanish Inquisition……
So that’s why Bill is sitting in the Comfy Chair!
No…. just….NO!!!!!
Montoni’s Deportation Special: Two slices and soft drink of choice…with extra ICE.
This… this is utterly… I don’t even have the words for the stupidity of this plot. Not that Bill could do anything, can’t use Epstein’s plane anymore.
Even ten years from now, Bill Clinton won’t look like that.
And what exactly does TomBa think a former President (who would be about 30 years out of office) could do?
Wish fulfillment is a dubious basis for a believable story line.
I would have preferred to see Funky drunk dial—er, I mean accidentally butt dial Clinton.
And, of course, high profile people like the Clintons, never, ever, change their phone numbers, just in case Holly calls. This. Is. So. Freaking. Bad!!!
Haiku of the Day
Politician’s trick:
Hire cheap impersonators,
Give out their numbers.
Additionally relevant haiku:
A horse is a horse
of course of course and no one
can talk to a horse
of course that is of
course unless the horse is the
famous Mr. Ed
As long as I live, I will never forget the time Mr. Ed successfully ruined Clint Eastwood’s life!
Wow. Clint’s salary from Rawhide wasn’t enough for him to afford a private line. Was his girlfriend there Donna Douglas?
Yes. The IMDB lists her as “Girl” in “Clint Eastwood Meets Mister Ed.”
The high point of both of their careers.
So given how the advances in phone technology have played out since that fateful day when (sigh) President Clinton gave (sigh) Funky his phone number, it’s safe to assume that at some point over the years Clinton had to manually enter Montoni’s number into his new phone, at which point the technology evolved to where you automatically import your contacts and etc. I don’t know why I find that amusing but I do.
Am I really supposed to believe William Jefferson Clinton had literally nothing better to do at this moment?
Nevermind the fact that isn’t it still like 3 in the morning Ohio time?! I thought Bill and Hil lived in New York?
“Oh, hello Mr. um Winkerberg. Of course I can help you. As soon as your check for $500,000 clears the Clinton Global Initiative, I will be more than happy to try to make a couple of phone calls on your behalf. Send your check today, so there won’t be any delay. Have a nice day, there.”
Holy literal shit!
I guess we can add “P*zzagate” to the list of things Tom B*tiuk has heard of, but doesn’t understand.
That, and Bill Clinton having used his personal phone for government business in 1993, which mirrors the Hillary Clinton email server controversy.
The Shaggs weren’t this tone-deaf.
Hey, “My Pal Foot Foot” is a great dance song!
How come Funky and Holly look older than Clinton?
Botox
Did somebody play the old “got your nose” trick on Holly?
…which is a caricature of actress Edna Mae Oliver…
On the Funkyblog, Batiuk finally breaks his silence on the current prestige arc. Yes, Bill Clinton did in fact visit Westview in 1993, in a story that’s just as dumb and self-serving as has been pointed out here. Which still doesn’t explain how Funky ended up with BC’s personal phone number; if anyone would have it, it would be Dinkle, since he issued the invitation.
Clinton did invite Funky to stop by the White House at the end of that 1993 story, but no phone numbers were exchanged in strip.
If Montoni’s had a buffet, it would be less self-serving than this strip.
See ya later, rails.
Now the question I’ve been asking can be answered:
Corky fell asleep while wiping the counter and had this dream.
I was listening to “The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald” yesterday and trying to figure out how to turn it into a filk about the car and insulated bag, but I’m not very good at that kind of thing. I’m just going to leave that note here. In case somebody is good at that.
Challenge accepted. I don’t want to complete it yet because spoilers. But here are the first 10 verses:
The legend lives on from Montoni’s on down
To the park bench they named after Lisa.
In Westview it’s said, when the people want fed
They read comic books and order pizza.
One day a young lass, driving test said “you passed”
To the Muslim they called Miss Adeela.
But the agency ICE, they were not very nice
They think nothing of trying to steal ya.
With an order for bread, Cory Winkerbean said
“But he’s out on a run, so I’ll take it.”
Adeela said “Man,” with her license in hand,
“This’ll give me a chance in to break it!”
She left with the tag and the insulated bag.
She started the car and got grooving.
But a man all alone, he said into his phone
“Fellow agents, the subject is moving!”
She reached the address that was on GPS.
But it looks closed, so she’d better call them.
“I don’t see a light, but I’m here with your pie.”
“No problem, we’re here, just come on in!”
When she opened the door, “put the box on the floor!”
Was the order that came from the agents.
“Adeela Salam, you’re about to be gone
For staying beyond deportation.”
“We matched to your face, and pulled up your old case
when you went to the store to buy fabric.”
Adeela said no, and to please let me go.
“You’ve got the wrong name, this is tragic!”
She made her one call to her college friend, Wall
And said “Wally, they plan to deport me!”
But no one can say just what happened that day
To the sausages and pepperonis!
A clueless young geek nicknamed Amicus Breef
Says “I’ll come back to file a subpoena.”
Only answer he knew to “what else can we do?”
Was to come back to file a subpoena.
They all came from afar, Funky said “where’s my car?
And the hot box we use for the journey?”
To which Holly said “welp, I know just who can help.
He’s a lib’ral whose name is not Bernie!”
(to be continued)
That right there is awesome. I believe “in to break it” is my new favorite rhyme.
Thanks, I’m glad you like it! I really wanted to match the feel of the song, and “in to break it” just felt perfect. I normally don’t use this much near-rhyme, but who am I to correct Gordon Lightfoot?
Thank you so much. This made my day. Yes, “in to break it” and yes to near-rhymes!
Plus Batty likes this song because they mention Cleveland in it.
A thousand golf claps for you! Rhyming “subpoena” with “subpoena” was my favorite, as it is believably something both Lightfoot and TB would do. Though unlike Lightfoot, TB can’t sell that lax rhyme with heart and charm.
I heard Gordon Lightfoot singing these lyrics as I read them and it totally worked. Brilliant and admirable in such a short turnaround!
Just when I thought FW couldn’t get any worse…
It’s all a ploy to make people grateful for the 2021-2022 “Les Loves Lisa” coda to the strip (yes, I think it will be two years long). I can’t believe I’m saying this, but 2020 will be miles better than the next two years.
Thanks, Tom.
yadda, yadda, yadda…..Adeela’s back.
Why is Amicus Breef still there? They’re not even going to ask him to leave after he completely failed them? Look at him, he looks like a high school kid trying to fit in. He’s saying to himself “do I look concerned enough? I need to look concerned right now. Gosh, I hope Funky doesn’t notice I’m still here. As long as I stay in his blind spot, I think I’m okay.”
Amicus Breef is there so Clinton can talk with him, lawyer to lawyer, and tell him how to get Adeela out of jail. It’s going to be something boneheaded, like “Back in 1993 I met a very good lawyer who just happened to be waiting tales at Montoni’s. I can’t remember his name, but he worked with some chick named Lisa. Look him up!”
You know, what’s truly sad is that this storyline is not the worst thing in 2020 that’s linked the Clintons to a pizzeria.
Congrats, Tom Batiuk, you have written a story even goofier than when had a kid in a goat suit score the winning touchdown in a high school football game.