Hey I once met you, and this is crazy… but here’s my number, so call me, Funky.

Holly’s persistence pays off in today’s strip… or does it?

Yes, the 27 (or 37) year old phone number for President Clinton that Funky has still works, and his call has been received by a cell phone that recognizes Funky’s personal cell phone as Montoni’s! It must be the same brand as Wally’s magic Adeela-recognizing phone. But the man answering it, unfortunately, is not the former President.

Look, I dunno if this guy is Durwood 40 years in the future or maybe James Woods after a horrible accident involving a beaker or two of acid or the world’s most embarrassing caricature of the late Jerry Orbach or if Ayers just forgot what Flash Freeman looks like… but I do know he’s not Bill Clinton.


Filed under Son of Stuck Funky

55 responses to “Hey I once met you, and this is crazy… but here’s my number, so call me, Funky.

  1. Epicus Doomus

    LOL oh man, sometimes BatYap belts one out of the park without even trying. This is the most unintentionally funny strip of 2020 so far.

  2. J.J. O'Malley

    “The owner wants my help to track down a missing delivery car and insulated bag!”

    Honestly, I’m not sure if the recipient of Funky’s “sure, I have my personal number appear on the phones of people I call as Montoni’s, because I have no life away from the restaurant” call is supposed to be Bill Clinton, Joe Biden, or former “GMA” host David Hartman.

    This is past hopeless, beyond pathetic, and rapidly swinging all the way around to ludicrous. Let me know when we get back to goofy.

  3. William Thompson

    “Hey, Hil, it’s that great little pizza place in Ohio that we’ve totally ignored and avoided for the past quarter-century!”

    • Epicus Doomus

      Presidential historians marveled at Mr. Clinton’s encyclopedic knowledge of everything he’d ever eaten.

      “Yup, Montoni’s in Westview, Ohio, sometime in ’93. Three slices, with pepperoni. Traditional crust, slightly doughy and under-cooked. Excess grease, needed blotting with napkins. Mild aftertaste with hints of freezer burn and insecticide. Diet Coke, large, slightly flat, too much ice.”

      • Westview Radiology

        Oh yeah I finished it all off with some piping hot coffee. The grinds are still blocking my digestive track.

  4. Banana Jr. 6000

    It’s a Montoni’s commercial.

    This entire arc… is a Montoni’s commercial.

    What did Funky say yesterday? No one forgets Montoni’s pizza. What’s happening today? Celebrity spokesman Bill Clinton remembers Montoni’s pizza. In a way that sounds like yet another corporate slogan.

    “So come on down to Montoni’s, that great little pizza place in Ohio(TM)! Try the coffee and a slice combo for only $6! ($1 goes to the Lisa’s Legacy Foundation.) It’s like your hunger is dying of cancer! Deport your thirst with a $3 green pitcher of soda… with or without ICE! Montoni’s! In Westview, next to the comic book store, across from the Lisa monument!”

    It’s not like Batiuk is trying to write an infomercial script. It’s like he’s trying to write a powerful, emotionally resonant story, and an infomercial script is what comes out.

  5. louder

    No…. just….NO!!!!!

  6. Epicus Doomus

    Montoni’s Deportation Special: Two slices and soft drink of choice…with extra ICE.

  7. TheBigBoot

    This… this is utterly… I don’t even have the words for the stupidity of this plot. Not that Bill could do anything, can’t use Epstein’s plane anymore.

  8. Gerard Plourde

    Even ten years from now, Bill Clinton won’t look like that.

    And what exactly does TomBa think a former President (who would be about 30 years out of office) could do?

    Wish fulfillment is a dubious basis for a believable story line.

    • Rusty Shackleford

      I would have preferred to see Funky drunk dial—er, I mean accidentally butt dial Clinton.

      • louder

        And, of course, high profile people like the Clintons, never, ever, change their phone numbers, just in case Holly calls. This. Is. So. Freaking. Bad!!!

  9. Mr. A

    Haiku of the Day

    Politician’s trick:
    Hire cheap impersonators,
    Give out their numbers.

  10. billytheskink

    Additionally relevant haiku:

    A horse is a horse
    of course of course and no one
    can talk to a horse

    of course that is of
    course unless the horse is the
    famous Mr. Ed

  11. Epicus Doomus

    So given how the advances in phone technology have played out since that fateful day when (sigh) President Clinton gave (sigh) Funky his phone number, it’s safe to assume that at some point over the years Clinton had to manually enter Montoni’s number into his new phone, at which point the technology evolved to where you automatically import your contacts and etc. I don’t know why I find that amusing but I do.

  12. Hitorque

    Am I really supposed to believe William Jefferson Clinton had literally nothing better to do at this moment?

    Nevermind the fact that isn’t it still like 3 in the morning Ohio time?! I thought Bill and Hil lived in New York?

  13. “Oh, hello Mr. um Winkerberg. Of course I can help you. As soon as your check for $500,000 clears the Clinton Global Initiative, I will be more than happy to try to make a couple of phone calls on your behalf. Send your check today, so there won’t be any delay. Have a nice day, there.”

  14. Aurora Snorealis

    Holy literal shit!

  15. Chyron HR

    I guess we can add “P*zzagate” to the list of things Tom B*tiuk has heard of, but doesn’t understand.

    • Banana Jr. 6000

      That, and Bill Clinton having used his personal phone for government business in 1993, which mirrors the Hillary Clinton email server controversy.

      The Shaggs weren’t this tone-deaf.

  16. ian'sdrunkenbeard

  17. Will

    Did somebody play the old “got your nose” trick on Holly?

  18. Man, that is some likeness of Bill Clinton. Looks more like “Priscilla” from the 1940 Merrie Melodies cartoon, The Hardship of Miles Standish.

  19. Banana Jr. 6000

    On the Funkyblog, Batiuk finally breaks his silence on the current prestige arc. Yes, Bill Clinton did in fact visit Westview in 1993, in a story that’s just as dumb and self-serving as has been pointed out here. Which still doesn’t explain how Funky ended up with BC’s personal phone number; if anyone would have it, it would be Dinkle, since he issued the invitation.

  20. sgtsaunders

    See ya later, rails.

  21. Count of Tower Grove

    Now the question I’ve been asking can be answered:
    Corky fell asleep while wiping the counter and had this dream.

  22. Maxine of Arc

    I was listening to “The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald” yesterday and trying to figure out how to turn it into a filk about the car and insulated bag, but I’m not very good at that kind of thing. I’m just going to leave that note here. In case somebody is good at that.

    • Banana Jr. 6000

      Challenge accepted. I don’t want to complete it yet because spoilers. But here are the first 10 verses:

      The legend lives on from Montoni’s on down
      To the park bench they named after Lisa.
      In Westview it’s said, when the people want fed
      They read comic books and order pizza.

      One day a young lass, driving test said “you passed”
      To the Muslim they called Miss Adeela.
      But the agency ICE, they were not very nice
      They think nothing of trying to steal ya.

      With an order for bread, Cory Winkerbean said
      “But he’s out on a run, so I’ll take it.”
      Adeela said “Man,” with her license in hand,
      “This’ll give me a chance in to break it!”

      She left with the tag and the insulated bag.
      She started the car and got grooving.
      But a man all alone, he said into his phone
      “Fellow agents, the subject is moving!”

      She reached the address that was on GPS.
      But it looks closed, so she’d better call them.
      “I don’t see a light, but I’m here with your pie.”
      “No problem, we’re here, just come on in!”

      When she opened the door, “put the box on the floor!”
      Was the order that came from the agents.
      “Adeela Salam, you’re about to be gone
      For staying beyond deportation.”

      “We matched to your face, and pulled up your old case
      when you went to the store to buy fabric.”
      Adeela said no, and to please let me go.
      “You’ve got the wrong name, this is tragic!”

      She made her one call to her college friend, Wall
      And said “Wally, they plan to deport me!”
      But no one can say just what happened that day
      To the sausages and pepperonis!

      A clueless young geek nicknamed Amicus Breef
      Says “I’ll come back to file a subpoena.”
      Only answer he knew to “what else can we do?”
      Was to come back to file a subpoena.

      They all came from afar, Funky said “where’s my car?
      And the hot box we use for the journey?”
      To which Holly said “welp, I know just who can help.
      He’s a lib’ral whose name is not Bernie!”

      (to be continued)

      • Maxine of Arc

        That right there is awesome. I believe “in to break it” is my new favorite rhyme.

        • Banana Jr. 6000

          Thanks, I’m glad you like it! I really wanted to match the feel of the song, and “in to break it” just felt perfect. I normally don’t use this much near-rhyme, but who am I to correct Gordon Lightfoot?

      • billytheskink

        A thousand golf claps for you! Rhyming “subpoena” with “subpoena” was my favorite, as it is believably something both Lightfoot and TB would do. Though unlike Lightfoot, TB can’t sell that lax rhyme with heart and charm.

      • Mela

        I heard Gordon Lightfoot singing these lyrics as I read them and it totally worked. Brilliant and admirable in such a short turnaround!

  23. Jimmy

    Just when I thought FW couldn’t get any worse…

    It’s all a ploy to make people grateful for the 2021-2022 “Les Loves Lisa” coda to the strip (yes, I think it will be two years long). I can’t believe I’m saying this, but 2020 will be miles better than the next two years.

    Thanks, Tom.

  24. Smirks 'R Us

    yadda, yadda, yadda…..Adeela’s back.

  25. Banana Jr. 6000

    Why is Amicus Breef still there? They’re not even going to ask him to leave after he completely failed them? Look at him, he looks like a high school kid trying to fit in. He’s saying to himself “do I look concerned enough? I need to look concerned right now. Gosh, I hope Funky doesn’t notice I’m still here. As long as I stay in his blind spot, I think I’m okay.”

    • William Thompson

      Amicus Breef is there so Clinton can talk with him, lawyer to lawyer, and tell him how to get Adeela out of jail. It’s going to be something boneheaded, like “Back in 1993 I met a very good lawyer who just happened to be waiting tales at Montoni’s. I can’t remember his name, but he worked with some chick named Lisa. Look him up!”

  26. J.J. O'Malley

    You know, what’s truly sad is that this storyline is not the worst thing in 2020 that’s linked the Clintons to a pizzeria.

  27. Congrats, Tom Batiuk, you have written a story even goofier than when had a kid in a goat suit score the winning touchdown in a high school football game.