The Winters Of Cindy’s Discontent

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Uh-oh. Cindy’s always-troublesome insecurity issues are about to come racing to the fore again, as her beau Mason will be co-starring with the “cute” Marianne Winters, as opposed to whatever old tired hag was originally scheduled to play the part in the film that never, ever will be completed. Knowing how incredibly shallow she is, this will no doubt become a huge issue for her and she’ll probably have to scurry back to Montoni’s to ask Funky for advice on how to handle it. Remember, Cindy, it’s been snowing there since Thanksgiving so allow yourself a little additional travel time.

Bi-“polar”. Winters. Summers. Oh boy, Batiuk must be salivating over the pun opportunities here. By the time this plays out he’ll have completely botched every one of them, probably more than once too. We all knew this Cindy & Mason thing was too good to be true, allowing Cindy to experience happiness before she suffered her full karmic retribution is the sort of thing you just don’t see in the Funkyverse. Warm her up a chair at Channel One or the WHS AV room, as her Hollywood dreams are about to be pulverized, BanTom style.

 

The Internet Is Still Useless

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Poor, poor Cindy. A former national network TV news anchor and engaged to a Hollywood superhunk, yet forced to toil in the sordid internet mines just to earn her keep. Such a wry, tragic tale. How many more humiliating indignities will Westview High’s former “it girl” be forced to endure? How many more times will she be faced with a reminder of just how old, washed-up and over the hill she is? Why are the inexorable forces of The Universe stripping her of every shred of confidence and self-worth she has?

I don’t know, but since it’s only Monday, it’s gotta be something. Probably some hilarious stuff about how insecure she is, possibly some comic books thrown in there, maybe an anecdote about a young Stan Lee having his wallet stolen at the first-ever Comic Con, who knows? The way 2016 is going it could literally be anything, at any time, for any reason. Or no reason at all.

Buddyblog always reminds me of Buddy, Wally’s suddenly missing service dog. Man, I miss that mutt. No dialog, no smirking, no wryness, no poorly-rendered nose, just an aloof canine “cool” that the rest of these morons are sorely lacking. Bring back Buddy!

A Homage To That Which Never Was

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Anyone who didn’t see one of these comic books covers coming, please pay more attention going forward. I only know what this is because I (hangs head in shame) regularly check out the official Batom Comics…er, I mean FW blog. Without going into way too much detail, blah blah blah comic books comic books comic books. That’s really all you need to know to be “up to speed”, as it were.

Are we looking at modern-day Pete and Boy Lisa here or their retro counterparts again? I guess the bow ties indicate “retro” but who really knows? “Charlie and Chuck” is another one of his fanciful fictional funny books and yes, it has a whole convoluted back story behind it too. Apparently “theft” is the theme here, as retro Pete and Boy Lisa are still bemoaning how they lost the rights to Starbuck Jones right before the (sigh) point in its retconned history when it really took off. Even his fantasies are miserable.

A propeller beanie AND a slingshot in the back pocket…where’s his Lone Ranger mask and Dick Tracy wristwatch? Too bad this creativity never finds its way into his daily strips, one gets the impression that THOSE obligations are really cutting into his vivid world of make-believe. Nothing’s happened in FW in almost a decade, yet the world of Batom Comics is exploding with all sorts of history and new characters. Go figure.

Page Kept A Scrollin’ All Night Long

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Wow, it’s one of the rarest FW daily strips of them all, a sideways vertical memory within a fantasy within a fantasy! You don’t see these very often. After reading about the Superman trademark saga, I wouldn’t say that “tragic” is the first word that springs to mind. But then again, my entire being doesn’t revolve exclusively around nostalgic comic book memories, so what the hell do I know? I bet you that whenever he starts with this story while he’s hanging out at that pizza place, everyone politely excuses themselves to hit the bathroom.

Again, one has to wonder why despite being armed with this information, retro Pete opted to sign over the SJ title anyway, but thinking about it ruins the premise, which is apparently that the Superman creators got hosed. What that has to do with FW, Starbuck Jones or anything else is a mystery to me, but apparently it still has Batiuk all worked up, so here we are. It goes to figure that he keeps coming back to that story, as we all know that “writing” for a living is a horrible thankless task that never pays off no matter how great you are at it.

It might have made a little more sense if he held off on this (chortle) idea until they finished the movie, then had them lamenting the money the producers were making off their work. I said “might”. But BanTom simply doesn’t do things that way, or in any kind of a coherent way, really. He just does them, that’s all. Like with all of his cockamamie little stories, not one single aspect of this arc made any sense at all, on any level. I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that he wrote this one in his sleep, jotting down various fevered comic book dreams on a little notepad next to the bed then waking up and immediately committing them to paper as is.

 

On The Vast Historical Significance Of Doodles

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These comic book fantasies of his are getting weirder all the time. Didn’t think that was possible. Today we learn that retro Pete once visited the Superman creator’s (sigh) cousin’s house where he was shown an old piece of paper with incredibly vast historical significance, if you’re totally obsessed with comic books, that is. I guess those bubble corners in panel three signify that this is an old memory within a purely speculative faux-reminiscence-flashback, which tells you how convoluted and nonsensical this mess has become. Does BanTom seriously believe anyone anywhere is interested in this? And if so, why?

It’s just all over the place too. He has to once again mention Superman’s ties to Cleveland, another one of those mundane things that he finds fascinating for some reason. Then he segues into the Superman doodle via the dumbest segue of the week, some bullshit story about retro Pete knowing some guy’s cousin. Uh yeah, retro Pete, sure ya did. At look at that retro Pete smile, he looks like he’s struggling to remember exactly how to do it. Brutal.