Stolen Valium

In today’s strip Les, appropriately, puts all of his stolen Hollywood paraphernalia in same place.

Marianne doesn’t appear to understand the concepts of opacity and walls.

Cayla plans to monetize this display even though presently no one seems willing to visit the Moore house for free (and people are willing to visit Dinkle!).

Why am I blandly narrating this strip in lieu of hard-hitting commentary and rapier wit? Because I know my limits. Why is Les blandly narrating his actions in the first panel? Because there is no limit to his disdain for even those that worship him.


Filed under Son of Stuck Funky

45 responses to “Stolen Valium

  1. Epicus Doomus

    Look at that bearded dick with ears, brushing aside some junk he swiped from the movie he hated making (including an absolutely enraging hand-drawn LES name tag) so he can gracelessly display the Oscar statue his “friend”, a homespun, unbearably humble young woman no less, won, based on her own merits and ability, neither of which Les had anything whatsoever to do with. He never even considers declining to accept it, even though it’s obviously a ludicrous gesture from a person he knows to be somewhat mentally unstable. What a dick. I hope those radiation lines are polonium, so Les can die from radiation poisoning. Harsh? Yes, but fair.

    And Cayla, being a woman and all, instantly slips into “complete rube” mode, fawning and gushing all over Les’ new Oscar statue as Marianne attempts to swallow her own lower jaw for some inexplicable reason. It’s a completely ridiculous display, no actual human beings would or even could act like this. A normal adult man might be flattered by the thought, but would be embarrassed and ashamed to display this hapless young woman’s award as his own, but not Beardo. He’s positively beaming with excitement. If, for some unfathomable reason, you didn’t already loathe and detest Les Moore, surely you must now. Just despicable.

    • be ware of eve hill

      I hope I’m not stepping on any toes, but your ever-present daily downvote kind of makes me laugh. The downvote follows you around, day after day.

      It reminds me of the old Cream of Wheat commercials, where the bowl follows the little girl wherever she goes.

  2. RudimentaryLathe?

    Dolly Parton has been in the news this week, as she’s attempting to remove herself from a Rock & Roll Hall of Fame nomination; her reason being she’s not a rock musician and she doesn’t want to take votes from artists who might deserve the induction more.
    Gee, I wonder why that story popped into my head after seeing the latest FW entry 🙄

  3. Lord Flatulence

    So Les’s waiter’s name was also Les???

    • Anonymous Sparrow

      Shameless typecasting! Even worse than the Emily in Woody’s acting group on “Cheers” playing Emily in *Our Town*!

  4. Sourbelly

    “That’s nice. Everyone will be able to see it.” No, Marianne, you didn’t donate the statue to the Smithsonian. You handed it to a third-rate high school teacher in Nowhere, Ohio. Nobody is going to see it. Did you notice the huge throng of fans and media that arrived for this historical event? No? Good. That should give you a clue as to the importance of this occasion.

    Voldemoore is so with himself in panel 1. Any “I feel guilty accepting this award” thoughts are long gone. He earned it! And he’s damn well going to display his Best Actress trophy next to two pieces of garbage he hoarded from the movie set.

    • Sourbelly

      Ugh. Once again, I proofed my comment AFTER posting it. Paragraph 2 should read, “Voldemoore is so PLEASED with himself.” Sigh.

    • Epicus Doomus

      “Oh my God, is that a real Oscar? Why do YOU have a real Oscar?”

      “That was Marianne Winters’ Oscar she won for playing my dead wife in “Lisa’s Story.”

      “Why do YOU have it?”

      “She gave it to me.”

      “Why on Earth would Marianne Winters GIVE you her Oscar?”

      “Because she owed it to me. After all, I WROTE “Lisa’s Story”, so she felt I deserved it.”

      “Oh Les, how could you? I mean, didn’t that girl almost kill herself over a scandal a few years ago? You shouldn’t have accepted that!”

      “OK, that’s enough of that. Get out of my house.”

      Yeah, something tells me that Les doesn’t draw a lot of visitors over there. Call it a hunch.

      • Anonymous Sparrow

        The Taj Mahal has more visitors in a day than the Taj Moore-Hal in a ,millennium.

      • hitorque

        More like:

        Guest: Oh my God, is that a real Oscar? Why do YOU have a real Oscar?

        Lester: This is Marianne Winterse’s 2022 Oscar she won for portraying my wife in the movie adaptation of “Lisa’s Story”… Masone Jarre played me. I was co-producer.


        Lester: Well…. We, um, uh, had some issues with the distributor so it got released Blockbuster Streaming Video… I don’t know if you subscribe to that particular service when I know there are dozens of competitors out there but I’m told it’s been moderately popular and the critics liked it…

        Guest: How the hell did you get to make your own big-budget Hollywood movie of your own book with an A-List cast and somehow keep it a national secret all this time? This Oscar is from two years ago and in all the time I’ve known you and all the times we’ve talked regularly you’ve never even mentioned this to me, our friends, your students, or anyone in town?? Yeah, I hear stories about famous dudes who get their books made into movies and they’re less than pleased with the final product — Like Tennessee Williams literally standing out in front of theaters and begging audiences not to watch the “Cat on a Hot Tin Roof” movie… CLASSIC Tennessee Williams! But since you were co-producer you had the authority and clout to make the movie exactly the way you wanted!! This isn’t your usual faux humility act — You seem genuinely ashamed of your movie for some reason despite the Oscar worthy performance…?

        Lester, changing the subject: Say, did I ever tell you about the time I save Marianne Winterse’s life during the great SoCal wildfire of 2020? True story — It was a tedious, hardworking afternoon on the set like any other when all of a sudden…..

  5. The Dreamer

    Why didnt he have Mason Jarr win for playing Les? Of course wasn’t it odd that Mason played the twentysomething Les, romancing Marianne as Lisa, when in real life he’s dating sixtysomething Cindy (did she play herself in the movie)?

    • Charles

      Batiuk presents Mason as such a palpable doofus, and has Les treat him with overt contempt whenever Mason’s not serving his needs that there’s no way he could win an Oscar. Batiuk needs him to be a feckless boob or he won’t know what to do with him. He’s there for Les to feel superior to, and if he wins an Oscar it’s just going to look more ridiculous than it already does. The disdain that we’re supposed to feel for him is simply too much a part of his character to be tossed aside now. He’d diminish the value of the Oscar and its validation of Lisa’s Story simply by winning it.

      Also, I think Batiuk might be more comfortable with having a woman give up her accolades and triumph than a man. It probably feels more realistic to him.

    • hitorque

      Cindye Sommerse-Winkerbeane-Jarre is a special case because her real age may be late 50s/early 60s, but she’s got a better face and body than Marianne and for all practical storyline purposes she’s 40 with the body of a 24-year-old UCLA super senior on spring break… Not a single wrinkle or ounce of cellulite in sight… Ironically enough there’s probably tens of thousands of women in Los Angeles who would kill their own mothers to know her reverse-aging secrets…

      When Cindye reaches age 75 I’m fully expecting her to look like circa 1999 Britney Spears…

      • RudimentaryLathe?

        I maintain the theory that Cindy is a literal succubus. Masonne was fairly attractive and masculine before he hooked up with her and now he’s a balding, rictus-grinning cadaver. And he’s basically braindead but that could just be result of prolonged exposure to the Westviewniverse.

  6. Gerard Plourde

    We most likely still have Friday and Saturday (and possibly Sunday) to endure of the ridiculous arc. What could possibly be left to beat out of this dead horse?

    • ComicBookHarriet

      We’ve been beating this dead horse so long…the horse is completely gone. We grind our truncheons to dust smacking the sticky pavement where the horse once was. Its body has been mashed into the glue that binds us together forever.

      • Banana Jr. 6000

        It’s like Batiuk’s trying to wear us down. Funky Winkerbean is like a cult that controls every shred of reality, and overwhelms you with its jargon and conceits. It never shows a sign of doubting itself, no matter now illogical it becomes. Les won the Oscar because he deserves it, and because he’s a hero. You believe Les is a hero, don’t you? Let’s all sing sacred song #343, “Les Is A Hero And Deserves Awards (Give Me A Pulitzer).”

  7. be ware of eve hill

    Ugh. This is so corny. Everybody STFU. Stop being a bunch of enablers for Les’s overbearing ego. Les’s ego is so big it has its own moon.

    Look at how close that name tag is to the Oscar. Les is pretending like it’s his name on the Oscar. He’s such a child.

    I’m sure Marianne’s hand-clenching display in panel #1 is supposed to be because she’s deliriously happy to see Les so excited about her gift of the Best Actress Oscar statuette.

    I prefer to think she’s happy because she got away with it. The Academy Award ceremony always has more statuettes than they may actually need. In my version, Marianne obtained Les’s Oscar via the five-fingered discount. She left the real Best Actress Oscar with her mother. Marianne looks gracious and generous to the world, but still has the actual Best Actress Oscar at home. Marianne has her cake and is eating it too. Les is beaming over a stolen trophy that wasn’t awarded for anything and has nothing to do with Lisa’s Story.

    Achievements in up to 25 regular categories will be honored on February 24, 2019, at the 91st Academy Awards presentation at the Dolby Theatre at Hollywood & Highland Center. However, the Academy won’t know how many statuettes it will hand out until the envelopes are opened on Oscar Night. Although the number of categories are known in advance, the possibility of ties and of multiple recipients sharing the prize in some categories makes it impossible to predict the exact number of statuettes to be awarded. As in previous years, any surplus awards will be housed in the Academy’s vault until next year’s event.

    My theory is dumb, but I hope it’s not as objectionable as Batty’s nauseating wish-fulfillment via Les.

    Go pound salt, Les.

    • Rusty Shackleford

      Well you actually researched the topic, something that Batty never does.

      • be ware of eve hill

        A three-minute search. A five-minute task, if you include cutting, pasting and formatting the info into the comment.

        There is no excuse for Batty’s lack of research.

    • Anonymous Sparrow

      It’s a Jupiter Moon, of course.

    • Green Luthor

      Or she just bought a cheap replica off Etsy. It’s not like these Moore-ons could ever figure it out.

  8. Banana Jr. 6000

    Yeah, that’ll last about a week before somebody steals it.

  9. Charles

    Man, I can’t be the only person to find Cayla’s comment to be incredibly crass.

    “If we can’t leverage your gesture to make us some money and/or cachet, what’s the goddamn point of you giving it to us?”

    • Epicus Doomus

      It’s totally unbelievable and out of character, too. Old Cayla wasn’t a blithering, easily impressed rube, she was more or less a normal adult. But here in 2022 she’s a complete hayseed, seemingly unaware of how insane this premise really is. Who would proudly show off a trophy they didn’t even win?

    • Banana Jr. 6000

      “Stolen valor” is exactly the word for it. This award isn’t theirs by any definition, but they’re sure going to shove it in people’s faces. Fuck these people.

      • billytheskink

        Hence today’s post title… wordplay-ed into awkwardness due to its yawn-inducing presentation of rage-inducing behavior.

  10. Gerard Plourde

    Has anyone else noticed that the Funky Winkerbean blog hasn’t had a posting since March 9? No reprint of John Darling, no Flash Friday, no Cover Me post. Nothing since the weird data dump that happened when the last Behind the Books Crankshaft post went up. I hope it’s just a technical glitch.

  11. hitorque

    1. Why the hell would he have a towel from the wrap party? Oh, dear… That isn’t one of the monogrammed towels he “liberated” from the Chateau Marmont, is it??

    2. It’s so very telling that Lester kept the name tag from his ten-second cameo and a souvenir from the wrap party on his bookshelf yet no visitor would even know that the hell they are BECAUSE LES DIDN’T GIVE ENOUGH OF A SHIT TO ARRANGE A LOCAL SCREENING OF HIS OWN GODDAMNED MOVIE!

    2a. And yes, the Moore residence **IS** getting immediately burglarized the next day Lester and Cayla return to work…

    3. Am I really to believe that a Hollywood superstar has come to visit smalltown Ohio there isn’t so much as ONE news reporter there? Not even some yutz from that free paper over in Centerville? NOT EVEN A COUPLE OF PIMPLE-FACE TEENS FROM THE STUDENT PAPER AT WESTVIEW HIGH ON THE DAY THEIR TEACHER IS GETTING AN ACADEMY AWARD?!

    3a. I’m just saying… Years ago Cindy Sommers-Winkerbean was aged out of network news, unemployed and out on her ass and she SINGLEHANDEDLY RESURRECTED HER CAREER JUST BY BREAKING THE NEWS STORY OF MASONE JARRE HANING OUT IN WESTVIEW AND READING COMIC BOOKS UP IN THE ATTIC OF A LOCAL WOMAN AS SHE BROUGHT HIM MILK AND COOKIES(!!) And Masone Freaking Jarre wasn’t one-tenth of the global superstar then that Marianne Winterse is now…

    3b. Didn’t Marianne almost want to kill herself because a couple idiots on Twitter slut-shamed her just because she was photographed giving Masone a hug?? WHAT IN FUCK’S NAME DOES SHE THINK PEOPLE ON SOCIAL MEDIA WILL HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THIS STUNT??

    4. You know Marianne, traveling by yourself to Hicksville, Ohio is an almost ideal situation for you to get abducted by some incel stalkers obsessed with Jupiter Moon, systematically tortured, dismembered and eventually discarded in the Cuyahoga River… Yes, I get that you’re fluent in the language and culture of “Midwestern Yokel” and thought you could blend into the background by dressing like some unfuckable social worker from the county seat making her routine welfare check to the Moore home, but need I remind you that you told a global audience last week where you were going, when you were going and who you were going to visit…

    5. Look, I’m no Hollywood expert or whatever, but don’t superstars usually travel with an entourage or at least a bunch of support staff in tow? Driver, bodyguard/security, personal assistant, attorney, event scheduler, social media manager, PR manager, general-purpose gofer or errand boy, fixer, crisis manager, photographer, personal stylist, purchaser, personal dietician, meditation guru, etc, etc… Yes I know there’s a lot of overlap in these examples and the right people can handle multiple responsibilities, but Marianne traveling solo makes ZERO sense… You’d think she’d at least have a publicist handy to take a photo of Lester getting “his” Oscar and sending it out on social media just so she can prove to the world that she actually did what she said she was going to…

    6. I stand by my assertion that Marianne still wants to fuck Lester’s brains out but since she missed her easy window to do so, handing over her Oscar is Marianne’s twisted idea of a “consolation prize” for him…

    • billytheskink

      Les was given both the towel and the name tag at the wrap party because they were props from his cameo in the movie.

      • hitorque

        That’s the kind of shit you keep when you’re a total outsider who out of crazy random circumstance ended up playing a bit role for a movie for one time and won’t ever happen again…

        Lester was the goddamned co-producer… He should already have tons of free movie marketing swag, merchandise, an annotated copy of the original script, tons of footage from the cutting room floor, a custom-made blooper reel, personalized behind-the-scenes photos and personal videos of the cast and crew, etc…

        You know, having some young amateur outsider make home movies of the production of “Lisa’s Movie 2.0” would have been the PERFECT FUCKING OPPORTUNITY FOR BATIUK TO INSERT SUMMER INTO THE STORYLINE… HELL, IT MIGHT HAVE EVEN GOD FORBID GIVEN HER A DEEPER CONNECTION WITH HER MOTHER’S MEMORY! FWIW, the concept isn’t even new… I think Kubrick’s daughter making home movies on the set of “The Shining” is the best known example… They still should be on youtube somewhere…

        • Banana Jr. 6000

          What, you think Les would let anyone else have any say in Lisa’s Story? He’d constantly be lecturing Summer on how to do everything “correctly.”

          Besides, Westview already has enough zero-talent “filmmakers” in Jessica, Cindy, and Les’ students. I’d rather see Summer stay in college ten more years than become yet another excuse for Batiuk to write more publishing stories.

  12. newagepalimpsest

    If Mason had known back in 2020 that all he needed to do to sate Les’ ego was hand him a smelly old bar towel and a name tag, he might not have spent so much time kissing ass.

    • hitorque

      Even I could tell that Masone pretending to be understanding and respectful and sympathetic as Lester was leading him on a tour of the “National Lisa Moore Memorial Historic Trail” through midtown Manhattan and Central Park was really wearing him to the breaking point of his patience… Especially when Lester gave him that don’t-you-dare-sit-on-lisa’s-memorial-park-bench look.

      But of course if Masone Jarre knew back in 2020 that he wouldn’t be winning that Oscar he still feels the world owes him, he wouldn’t have gone through the ordeal in the first place.

  13. Lord Flatulence

    In a unanimous decision, The Academy has voted to rename “The Oscar” as “The Lisa!”

  14. Suicide Squirrel

    Oh, no. The fat mustached guy with glasses from Funky’s AA group is in the SOSF banner. I wonder what incredibly boring subject Funky will drone on about next week.

    The SOSF Banner. The harbinger of boring things to come.

    • be ware of eve hill

      Funky Winkerbean story arcs. It’s like choosing between a punch in the face or a kick in the stomach.

    • Hitorque

      How are mods able to know the next storyline in advance?

      • Y. Knott

        Think very carefully before delving too deeply into this. You may find out this dark information is more than you want to know….

        Is knowing about Funky Winkerbean in advance a power you would actually want?