Putting the “die” in dilate

Let us all sincerely hope that today’s strip is the end of “Funky terrorizes the optometrist’s office with his shmuckery.” Oh please please please! I ran out of things to say about it on Tuesday and since then I’ve been filling space with a Droopy photoshop done in Microsoft Paint, obscure 90s punk rock references, and my own experiences at the ophthalmologist. Today, I very nearly wrote 3-4 sentences in this post about what my cat was doing right now, but I’ve taken up too much of you all’s valuable time already. Well, at least I finally thought of something to say about this strip…

Speaking of drops, I’m thinking this country’s newspapers should do just that to a couple of comic strips.


Filed under Son of Stuck Funky

26 responses to “Putting the “die” in dilate

  1. Banana Jr. 6000

    Now Funky can’t even manage eye drops? How does this follow from anything that happened this week? And why is the question being asked by a 14-year-old girl with a severe overbite who is not in any way dressed like a medical worker? This is stupid.

  2. Epicus Doomus

    A listless, stupid dead-on-arrival single-panel Saturday blow-off gag…this right here is just about as pitiful and sad as FW gets. I’ve sometimes theorized that maybe his entire goal is to discourage anyone from reading FW so he can keep flying comfortably under the radar and keep the whole scam going and arcs like this one certainly lend some credence to that theory. I mean sure, it’s possible that there’s an optometrist practice somewhere where they’re all chuckling over these strips and cutting them out and haphazardly taping them to the side of their filing cabinet, but if so I’d probably prefer to go elsewhere for my eye exams, as I just couldn’t trust anyone who actually liked this strip.

  3. William Thompson

    I took Maggie, my rescue cat, to the vet’s today. She was so terrified that they couldn’t examine her, give her a rabies and distemper shot, or scan her for a microchip. The vet told me to bring her back in a few months, when she felt more secure. “And bring her on a Monday or a Friday,” the vet said. “That’s when our best cat-wranglers are here.” It was funny because . . . fuck, there’s nothing funny about a scared animal. There’s nothing funny about Funky being scared of eyedrops, either, but it’s not-funny in a different way. Seriously, Batiuk, is Funky supposed to have some deep-seated trauma that involves eye doctors? Because this strip only works if it leads into something that’s so serious, it’s Pulitzer-worthy.

    • ComicBookHarriet

      I mean, the concept of having dedicated ‘cat-wranglers’ is kinda funny in a Gary Larson draws a weird Far Side strip kinda way.

      But I hope Maggie is more comfortable soon. And it was sweet of the Dr and you to put things off a little rather than manhandle her too much.

      • William Thompson

        Maggie’s doing a lot better now. She just demanded her one AM snack, and she’s stopped glowering at me, so she probably won’t try to murder me in my sleep. Plus she’s stopped hissing at my other cat, who’s been trying to make friends with her since Maggie became an indoor cat.

        • Rusty Shackleford

          Glad to hear your cat is doing better, but “cat wrangling” is funny. My sister is a vet so I have heard all of the horror stories.

          Maybe Batty is reading and next week he will shoehorn in an angry cat and steal this gag. The joke will be lost in walls on awkward text.

          • William Thompson

            “Cat wrangler” isn’t Batiuk’s type of joke. This was the first time I heard the term and I understood it without an explanation. And it is funny; it was funny even after I spent over an hour trying to get Maggie into a carrier, and the vert and her assistant spent about fifteen minutes minutes getting her back into the improvised carrier. The typical Batiuk joke has worn out its welcome before it knocks at your door.

  4. So…what was your cat doing? Trust me, it’s going to be way more interesting than all of Act III.

    • billytheskink

      He was either laid out on one of several folded blankets around the house or he was in the garage inspecting the underside of the car.

      • ComicBookHarriet

        The underside of a car is more interesting than this strip, by far. Your cat knows where it’s at.

    • William Thompson

      First, I had to get Maggie to the vet. Putting a scared cat into a cat-carrier is like putting toothpaste back in the tube. I ended up cornering her on the bathroom sink, pushing her into a clothes hamper, and covering the top with a towel (I looped some rope around it to secure it). It would have been much funnier to watch it happen to Funky, or, better, Les Moore.

      Thanks to the pandemic the vet won’t let a cat’s pet human into the clinic, so I didn’t see what happened. I was told that Maggie retreated into a small shelf-space, hissed a lot and stayed on the defensive. Eventually the vet and her assistant gave up, got Maggie back into the hamper and got the towel in place. They vet talked to me and we agreed I’d bring Maggie back in a few months, assuming she grows more secure. I can’t see Funky’s eye doctor welcoming him back, although I can see him being stuffed back in a hamper for the trip home. Or a car trunk. I don’t think anyone would be too fussy about how they got rid of Funky.

  5. The thing is, we’ve been told many, many times that Funky is a fat, out-of-shape slob who can barely keep up with Les Moore (The Worst Person Ever (c)). It sure seems like a single nurse could easily immobilize him without any issue, using just one hand. She’d probably yawn when she recalled the effort on InstaGab.

  6. Banana Jr. 6000

    And the next panel would be everyone in the waiting room turning around and walking out the door, never to set foot in this place again. Who the hell would trust an ophthalmologist who solicits help from random strangers to administer eye drops?

  7. Epicus Doomus

    Funky has been in a coma and had heart issues, plus he was a suicidal alcoholic for a while too. We’ve seen him endure all sorts of grave physical distress and discomfort a million times. The point being that in that context this premise is EVEN DUMBER than I previously believed it was. Wow. Mind blown.

  8. billytheskink

    The trick for making eye drops more bearable is to lay back and close your eyes and then blink so quickly you don’t give your eyes a chance to see detail.

    Wait, sorry, that’s the trick for making Funky Winkerbean more bearable…

  9. none

    Ha ha! It’s funny because no professional office would solicit their clients to assist in medical procedures! Isn’t that juxtaposition so wacky! Oh, mercy, my sides! Ha!

    Meanwhile, I see this panel as nothing but depriving us of seeing Funky after receiving the drops, with comically gigantic irises, making him look stoned out of his mind as he frantically waves his hands around and breaks medical equipment while trying to get his bearings. Hell, make that panel one, and then make panel two be the current panel with Violet asking if anyone wants to be a “seeing-eye person”. As opposed to a seeing-eye dog! It’s totally not what is normal! Wacky! Ha ha!

    Well, whatever, it’s yet another week without seeing Les at all. Small victories.

  10. Gerard Plourde

    Like yesterday’s strip, today’s offering is totally devoid of a point, let alone humor.

  11. ComicBookHarriet

    Don’t know why this girl is working for an optometrist, when what she really needs is an orthodontist to fix her overbite, and the Wizard of Oz to grant her a real chin.

    • J.J. O'Malley

      She could be a long-lost Belcher child from “Bob’s Burgers.” I still say she’s a twentysomething Violet, now yearning for those halcyon days when she, Shermy, Patty, and Charlie Brown were the only human characters in “Peanuts.”

      By the by, is Maynard G. Krebs in the back row playing with a Magic 8-Ball?

      Now, if you all will excuse me, after reading this week’s arc I have to go clean out my eyes…with a Brillo pad.

  12. Aurora Snorealis

    Fucking eye roll. ENOUGH

  13. Hitorque

    I guess Batiuk burned his remaining creative energy in that “Lisa’s Movie Project gets ruined by a biblical wildfire” plot..

    Because everything else since has been really flat

  14. newagepalimpsest

    Thank you for trying, Billy.

    I’m going to create my own fun and claim that the optometrist has finally gotten so sick of Funky’s b.s. that he’s giving him the Ludovico Technique.