Tag Archives: Christmas

Chop Fooey

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Sigh. I have to assume that this is a play on musicians “busting out” their musical “chops” or possibly an attempted malaprop or maybe even both. I’ve been pondering it for ten seconds now and it’s another ten seconds I’ll never get back. Thanks, Tom. Nothing’s ever easy in this daffy Funkyverse of his, you know? It’s either a tedious, grueling plod to a barely-perceptible resolution or it’s a really dumb sort of ambiguous gag that takes a half an hour to get. This one-time Pulitzer nominee (fluke thing) can’t just tell a story or crack a joke, you have to wade through layer after layer of nothingness to get nowhere instead. Bah, humbug.

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Dim Bulbs

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Q: How many Westviewians does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Just one but it’ll take a really, really long time and ultimately be disappointing, confusing and possibly fatal to everyone involved.

I don’t know about you but these Christmas-themed strips are really beginning to grind my gears, man. He didn’t even check to see if the lights were plugged in first? What an imbecile. Do these Westviewian couples ever communicate with one another or what? Linda had no idea what Bull was doing, Cayla had no idea what Les was watching and now Holly is gaslighting Funky with Xmas lights. What a bunch of self-centered jerks. No one in this stupid strip is ever just having a plain old normal good time, even the smallest things are an endless tide of frustration and angst.

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Chester Roasting On An Open Fire

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Uh, correct me if I’m wrong here but that comic book has not been properly slabbed and bagged, which makes it WORTHLESS. Why, sometimes it makes me wonder if these idiots are really “comic book collectors” at all. At least BatBore acknowledged the already-established fact that Chester already has every issue of SJ ever, which was a major plot point way back when he still represented the evil side of comic book (sigh) collecting.

So, did Octoshark have a shark head and octopus tentacles or was he just an eight-finned shark? Because one of those seems sort of better than the other. In any event, maybe he could apply this premise to the other characters. Holly could give Funky a slightly sharper pizza-cutter, Les could give Summer a slightly less slovenly hoodie, Cayla could give Les a slightly more cancer-y cancer book and so on. The possibilities are limitless.

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He’s A Capricorn And She Had Cancer

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Get a load of Pulitzer (nominee) Boy, shamelessly using Christmas to plug his dusty old cancer book again. Who are the people at this event? Does “Lisa’s Story” have some sort of weird cult following or something? And assuming that these weirdos are die-hard “LS” fans, wouldn’t they have already heard this cheesy gag dozens of times? I know I have.

This is Dick Facey at his most dick faciest. Smug obnoxious gloating, sub-moronic wordplay, a snide remark AND that f*cking “Lisa’s Story” banner…he touched all the bases today. I wish I could bludgeon him with a “Trilogy” then strangle him with that conveniently-placed wreath. I don’t think this sudden year-end burst of Les bodes well for 2020 at all, my friends. We’ve been very, very fortunate over the last few years regarding Les arcs but I have the sinking feeling that run is coming to an end soon. It’s gonna be horrible, too.

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I Know What You Ate Last, Summer

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Did Thomas T. BatBore just suddenly forget that Summer is twenty-five years old? If he wanted to do childish Summer gags he shouldn’t have skipped over her childhood. But he did and it’s way too f*cking late now. Whether it’s intentional (ha) or not, Summer is suddenly the biggest loser in the strip. Totally rudderless, sleeping til noon, shoveling candy into her face like some sort of dimwitted feral cave-dweller…Bull Bushka donated tens of thousands of dollars worth of physical therapy for THIS? He really DID die in vain.

Consider this: at one time Summer and Cory were at the forefront of the (then) new Act III generation. Summer was the twee goody-two-shoes with a side of grit and a hell of a jump shot, while Cory was the slacker sleazebag with the bad attitude and the haircut to match. Summer was going places, Cory was going to prison. But now, only (sigh) seven short years later, Cory is a ramrod-straight soon-to-be-wed decorated Army veteran with strong ties to both the comic book and pizza industries, while Summer is an immature lazy slob with immense student loan debt and a dad who keeps writing the same book about her dead mom over and over. It just goes to show you how little high school really matters, even in a comic strip where it means absolutely everything.

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Sigh Noon

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“The girls” are like twenty-five now and should, you know, have jobs and stuff by this point. They obviously (still) have no social lives to speak of so why they need to sleep til noon is anyone’s guess. The whole thing is sort of creepy if you ask me, mostly due to BatJerk’s bizarre “suspended animation”-type character arcs where characters remain in a sort of stasis for years and even decades at a time. He can’t bang out a Sunday “college graduation” strip followed by a two week arc where Summer gets hired as Montoni’s official pizza athletic director (with sidekick) or something? WHS is still short a gym teacher, you know.

Anyhow, get a load of Beardo and his stupid sweatshirt, standing there all smug and mute. I just want to stuff him down a chimney with no care at all then light an enormous fire. What a dick.

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Aaugh!

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Wow, it’s an EXTREMELY RARE and wildly abrupt mid-week arc shift, as suddenly the seldom-seen Women Of Les make an EXTREMELY RARE guest holiday appearance. Good ol’ Summer hasn’t changed a bit, still slobbing around in her trademark hoodie like it’s 2011 all over again. For those both of you keeping score at home, Summer and Keisha are in their EIGHTH year of college. I don’t know what they’re majoring in but it must be pretty grueling stuff.

Once again, Summer left for college eight years ago so Les needs to get the f*ck over it already. Don’t they have DVRs in Ohio? Les is one of the few FW characters who’s annoying even when the other characters are just talking about him. What a dick.

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O. Tombat

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Sigh.

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Scrooge McSuck

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I don’t ever recall seeing the Montoni’s office before. The layout of this place, and the entire town really, just endlessly fascinates me. Was it always there or did Adeela include it during her big renovation? Ah, you forgot that she was Montoni’s official pizza architect, didn’t ya?

Anyhow, given that a) the cheese is a vital, vital part of pizza and b) at least a dozen people work there, one can only conclude that there was quite a lapse in the Montoni’s chain of command AND that Funky is as inept at managing as he appears to be at everything else. One can also conclude that right now Funky’s mozzarella dealer is anxiously pacing around his office, occasionally glancing through his window at the nine semi trailers full of cheese he’s sitting on right before the huge Westviewian Christmas pizza rush. That really is a sad, sad attempt at shoehorning the “holiday season” in there, I mean take that reference out and this thing could run in March or June or whenever, as failing to place a cheese order isn’t especially a seasonal premise.

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Facing the Music.

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Went on a weird journey for today’s post. At first I was just going to point out bad art. Like Dinkle touching his face with a tiny little prop hand. Then it occurred to me that Dinkle has touched his face in shocked contemplation no less than three times this week, which is gross and not something you want to be doing during cold and flu season.

But I stopped when I noticed that Becky mentioned practicing music for the Christmas Concert…because Westview doesn’t have a Christmas Concert. They have a Holiday Concert, so as to not offend those who do not celebrate the birth of our Lord and Savior, and/or a night where the undead soul of a fourth century Turkish bishop breaks into people’s homes. I had vague recollections of an entire Holiday Concert arc dealing with Principal Nate becoming a somehow more exaggerated prototype of South Park’s PC Principal. So I dug into the archives, and sure enough there was an arc from December 7th through the 13th in 2015.

My trip took me farther back, because I decided to review some of the tired old Band Turkey gags, and I discovered that Dinkle himself assisted Becky in selling something other than turkeys back in 2014.

Then I looked up, and right there, November 2014, I found the arc where Bull had been offered a college coaching position, only to have it snatched away from him when the college’s first choice called back. And I was stunned to see that, five years ago, Batiuk thought to include a strip where Bull and Linda include their children in life decisions. Probably the last time Jinx has spoken in strip.

Reading that arc again, after everything, had me genuinely sad. And also kind of grossed out. Because Batiuk wrote Linda as incredibly horny back then.

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